Fire and Ice

Death Threat Scare eMails

2011-09-15T08:38:00.001+02:00

Has anyone else fallen victim to such death threat emails of late? This is really the lowest of low:

From the following address:
nullpwmas@gmail.com

"This is the only way I can contact you for now, I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where i am from.I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation.I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer. A person I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them,because if you do, I will know,and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job.I took pity on you.That is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself."

If you are getting these, please register them with Google appropriately and then ignore them.

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Ain't No Rest for the Weary

2011-08-23T18:20:00.001+02:00

It's hot outside. Really hot for Pforzheim. 30 degrees hot. The bus has air conditioning. So that's a plus. What I'm not looking forward to, if I may be honest: getting home and going straight to work on sanding the last remaining room down that we are presently remodelling. Don't get me wrong... I'm totally into the remodelling thing per se. Simply the heat and the end of the day, are huge enthusiasm curbers if you know what I mean.

But now the bus has reached it's destination and I'm going sanding. ;-)

Sent from my iPhone

Church Business

2011-08-08T01:12:00.000+02:00

Today, we visited a church in Kempten. If my information is correct, it is the largest church in the Allgäu region: It is merely to setup my argumentation that I mention this. Upon entering the building, we were greeted warmly by people who seemed to mean it, the perfect balance of stewardship and emotion (i.e. I didn't feel like they were selling the church to me. Just normal people giving us a hello. Nice!)

Walking deeper in, Jamie was greeted by a kid a little older than he, and immediately sucked into the children's program without so much as a goodbye. Nice!

I went up the stairs to the little kids area with Kian. Almost no one there. Just us and this other really friendly guy and his wife. Turns out all the other parents with kids were just taking there time getting to church and began arriving later. Also nice!

Looking down at all the stools, and listening in on the sermon every now and then, I had the impression the service itself was like some irrelevant black hole. While I was upstairs having quite interesting conversations with other parents, about things we were experiencing in the last days, there was this guy at the pulpit trying to convince us all that what he was talking about was worth our listening to. I just couldn't buy it. Admittedly, being upstairs was more than a hindrance to the flow of his words below, though, the more I listened, it wasn't so much what he was saying, as where he was saying it and how, which gave me cause to reflect not only on this one experience but on all church experiences I've ever had.

The whole concept of church takes for granted that you are willing to do your part in the following: put aside what is important for you thus week; the thoughts running around in your head and decisions that need to be made (so far so good), and exchange them for the wisdom of a person on a stage about problems you may or may not have, all the while holding captive the hope that the holy spirit will make clear the meaning of those wise words upon your heart.

To be clear, I am aware that the cross is foolishness to the perishing, but the examples I am referring to leave out the cross altogether and are thus simply foolishness.

The gentleman from the stage this morning hoped i too would experience the clarity of God's speaking into my life, as does he. But to be quite frank... looking back, if I'm honest, there is more confusion of what God has "spoken" into my life than there ever was clarity. In fact, I would say most of the people I know would agree with me. Does that mean we are all simply on the wrong path, ignoring God's still small voice? Certainly not! There are different experiences with God and his leading. Furthermore, and perhaps most important, people will say a bunch of stupid stuff when up on a stage... even pastors!

There is an undeniable, unignorable, possibly deplorable show element to a Sunday service, which must never be forgotten. The whole atmosphere, on a Sunday morning, is quite tongue-in-cheek, considering the only other institution to deliver authoritative messages, in such a frontal manner, being organised government, to which we hold an estranged relationship at best, has taught us in recent decades to not trust the "man behind the curtain".

And even still, here we stand. A man on a stage telling us that God's words are so clear he has to act. "There is no room for compromise" he said. And what if the curtain falls down and we all find out that sometimes he wonders, just like me, if God really exists, and how the hell he's going to continue to pastor, should his faith not be a strong and the voice of God not be as clear, as he once thought it to be?

No, I am sceptical and cynical of anyone claiming to here the voice of God clearly. Especially when they use themselves as the measurement for clarity.

No, I do not want to hear God's voice as clear as you, Mr. Pastor! I just want to know if he's listening to me and if he really speaks one of my two languages!

Call me strange, but the people who spoke to me the most today were those who said the least. The late coming of the parents with kids in droves, the quick "hello" from the people at the door. The words of encouragement before leaving. Not the guy getting the clear messages from "God Direct", but the second hand smoke of what remained from a personal experience one of those well-intentioned normal people had with a holy creator. Or was it all maybe just smoke?

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Time to Say Goodbye

2011-08-07T23:40:00.001+02:00

It's been a wonderful last week in Moosbach, Germany. We've had lots of sweet moments together: silly walks, karate kid wannabe fights, intimate conversations, trashy pirate talk, and just beautiful serene family time (not to mention yelling, kicking, screaming, bleeding, whining, and limitless remarks laden with hopelessness and world angst).

Just the way I imagined our time to be together. Running across the playground today toward lake Rottach, enjoying the squishy feeling of the wet ground beneath my feet, I was stopped by Jamie who came towards me, fanny first, informing me he needed new pants after falling in the wet grass.

Yes, even though our time here has been clouded by stormy weather, we leave her tomorrow fulfilled with what we experienced here. What we learned from each other, what we gave to another.

Tomorrow, we head for home to finish remodelling our three rooms upstairs in our house, while preparing for Jacob's visit on Thursday.

The certainty of the end of the third pregnancy is clear in our anxiety, as Kristine reaches the conclusion of the final term. There is still quite a lot to prepare for and new things to organise. Our biggest issue, now, is getting all our kids in our car simultaneously: we need three kids seats that fit side by side on the middle bench of the car, so as to allow enough space in the trunk for the buggy. And I thought we were done with worrying about car seats, but the ones we presently have will not fit all together side by side on one bench. Good grief! :-)

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Allgäulino kicked our arses

2011-08-04T16:57:00.001+02:00

We should have seen the warning signs as our youngest said this morning: "I want to go home!" But, evil sadistic parents that we are, naturally, we pressed on.

This was shot before entering the temple of doom.

And this was shot, shortly after a complete meltdown within said doom temple.

Both photos intimately capturing water and the human spirit. The former giving glimpse to the raw, untamed possibility, which is anticipation of all things humanly possible. The latter a testimony to the intrinsic human need to rest in the flow of natural earthly currents, cascading forth from a seemingly limitless source.

Suffice it to say, our mission to Conquer Allgäulino: failed. Most completely. We are now back at the apartment attempting to gather-up the remaining pieces of what is left of our children. May all that is holy be merciful upon us.

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Bathing in family

2011-08-03T22:58:00.000+02:00

It really is something incredible to have the time to relax and be alone with my family. Time to rest and not think about Ecommerce. Time to come down and let my thoughts race wildly on, until there are no longer thoughts at all.

My nose is running, my head feels heavy, I'm tired and need to go to bed, but my heart is so happy.

This is the place worth coming back to again and again. This is where vacation has led me. This is my home.

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Those beside me

2010-10-07T23:46:00.001+02:00

Gone are the days when we really needed, or were truly interested in the lives of, those to the left and right of us. With each passing decade our cultural psyche becomes increasingly strained with the thought of having to invest in someone else's life in a way, which does not show apparent, immediate gain or furtherance of our own journey.

Karl Marx was right about us was he not?

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Big daddy love

2010-09-19T00:14:00.001+02:00

God is more excepting of the road I travel and the friends I keep than we are of each other or even I am of myself. It's absolutely donkey brained to listen to someone say: "I think this God stuff is a bunch of BS" and write them off as someone who is going to hell.

Please, I'm not saying that any of you have said this to me. Even Rudi, who was moved to tears over my blog entry, I never felt like he was writing me off. I totally understand how he meant his comment.

But what of it: Imagine we would just take each person totally seriously when they told us to bugger off about the God stuff. In most cases that would be the best way to show them who God is. If my son asks me to stop doing something to him, I stop immediately. I don't try and coerce him into thinking that what I'm doing is really okay. That's what perverse catholic pedophiles do, but not good daddy's showing their kids big daddy love. They are going to listen to their kids wishes, cause they know it doesn't make a difference whether they are doing something good for their child or not, if their child perceives that action as bad then it has to stop.

Why then do so many Christians see it as a challenge to apologetically argue someone into the faith, or go to far away lands, where they are not welcome, to force yet another culture to conform to western values, which really aren't christ-like anyway, only to come away from it all with a deeper intrinsic certainty that the adversity, with which they were faced, was a sign of the holy blessing endowed upon them. Bullshit!

Has anyone stopped to think that maybe all this missiology stuff may be a thorn in God's eye? Or maybe we should be somewhat more honest with our exegesis of the new testament and admit that, yes even for the most lay of laypersons, Paul's writings really do differ and add to a lot of what Jesus said.

Would admitting to these things really break our faith? Or would it make it stronger allowing us to approach people around the world in a newer more free and holy way, much like the way that Christ had to approach all of us dimwits during his 30 year stint on this rock?

(Please don't ask me for bible references, I've stopped reading the bible 2 years ago and I do not want to start a bible debate on this blog.)

Black it is

2010-09-13T23:42:00.002+02:00

Back by popular demand. After a rigorous month of voting, I have decided to retune my blog to black. That's what I'm talking about baby! It seems that the yeah's for black outnumbered the neah's (sic). If nothing else, the black does look more threatening, which I like better anyway. ;-)

Cheers,
Jonathan

Chasing desires

2010-09-09T14:10:00.000+02:00

Supposedly, it is God's will to seek him. But is it necessary to have to chase him? In fact I wonder if it really is possible to seek God. No matter how long I've sought him, I've nevertheless really honestly never found him. And if that's the case, I am drawn to associate the whole "seeking God idea" to chasing desires.

We all have things we desire, after which we chase. Sometimes we grasp them, at other times they remain elusive. Desires, however, are never satisfied. So is their nature. I think "god" or the idea of God, is a desire. We chase after it so much that it even becomes possible to say that we are being led by it, albeit the desire for God itself, has no leading capacities to speak of.

This idea makes me very sceptical of the idea of God in general. Then if God does exist, as free evangelicals believe in him today, then he is a God who chases after them. I don't see this though.

I see well meaning people following their greatest desire and often looking somewhat bewildered with their worship. What I think is crazy, is that theology provides a system of reason to explain away and encourage in the face of this loneliness (lack of direct contact to God). "His grace is sufficient for me", "in my weakness He is stronger" and other mantra, prevent the believer from ever voicing true frustration.

The zenith of modern Christian God experiences, seems to be in "on your face worship" where you come out having felt the "hand of God". But wait, do I have to feel guilty for admitting that I have almost the same feelings at a U2 concert? Damn, Bono must really be Jesus come again.

The point is: where is God in all this? How can I distinguish God from my desires of who I want God to be, if he exists? And if there is a God, shouldn't I be able to say that he chases me, and know it's true. You know, otherwise I start feeling like the uncool teenager who wrote his love a poem and she's always running away, all coy and stuff. That's the kind of BS that creates serial murderers not great worshippers.

I don't know. I'm just sayin'. Thoughts?

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JESUS COMPLEX: Is Jesus God?

2010-05-25T12:26:00.000+02:00

JESUS COMPLEX: Is Jesus God?

Visual Basic

2010-05-25T11:37:00.002+02:00

Lest anyone be confused of my intentions: I am not turning this blog into a programmer's rant. In the first place, I'm not a programmer.

I did, however, find the title fitting to the new design of the site. Upon speaking with my blog composer adviser, it came to my attention that the color, black, is no way the best for reading and attracting visitors.

Furthermore, it is my aim to attract as many family visitors as possible to this page, and to this end I have decided to try changing the color. Does anyone feel more or less comfortable on the page after the changes.

What do you think fits better. Please weigh in! You can choose what you like better, black or white, in the survey to the right.

Student Loans

2010-05-10T14:47:00.003+02:00

AHHHH! I can't believe I poured so much money into an education, which apparently brought me nothing. Of course there is a lot to be said for 5 year of good sound theological reading and German language learning.

Now I'm paying back loans though, on an education that I know longer plan on using. What in the world was I thinking. Can it be that I merely talked myself into being called to be a pastor? Of course it's possible. But most people would probably tell me that the Lord, is not done with me yet. That a time will come when all that education makes since.

Maybe it will and maybe it wont. Right now I'm just wishing I didn't have to find a way to make monthly payments on something not related to the field I'm working in. It reminds me of the time I bought my first computer for way too much money, because I thought it was necessary in order to have something good. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of throwing that thing out our second floor window. I didn't learn then, and I didn't learn now... Well actually, the decision to study theology was, oddly enough, at around the same time I bought the computer.

I guess that means, I could brush this whole thing off as a phase?! AHHHH!

The Right to Live

2010-04-11T22:43:00.003+02:00

Have you ever wondered how people, who have done something unspeakably terrible could have the right to live any longer? I have.

Since having children, my ability to sympathize with every societal ill, has been reduced to a bare minimum. Surely, there are those who are more able to clearly articulate a system of justice, which should compensate all parties. I, however, have difficulties pardoning those who would otherwise be at the mercy of the family wronged. What is to stop a father from avenging some terrible act done to his children? And what court of law, would be doing justice, by preventing that same father from coming to the rescue of his child, no matter the means?

If I were in this situation, I'm pretty sure I would want to do something, which I would regret later. But who is to say when justice is really served? Is justice best served by the judicial system? Is it wrong to take matters into your own hands? If two wrongs don't make a right, who's to say, which wrong is unnecessary?

Maybe there are cases, which do make a wrong necessary?

What is at the center?

2010-04-11T10:43:00.001+02:00

Is it really necessary, to spend ones life serving a God you cannot see?

Was not God's message precisely to take care of and serve, the very creation he designed and in so doing, serve the creator.

I find it progressively difficult to busy myself serving and praising someone, I can neither see nor hear. Furthermore, I feel almost as though I'm simply talking with myself, whenever I pray or speak. Or if I talk of answered prayers: many of those answers I would have received, even if I hadn't prayed.

As a matter of fact, how can I ever be sure that God has answered anything I've prayed? And why is that important?

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Berlin

2010-04-03T19:57:00.001+02:00

A beautiful city, with somehow, at least at first sight, much friendlier than the typical Pforzheimer round the mill(er).

About this city I can say the same as about many other places I've been (other than Pforzheim), I think I could live here.

This pick is Jamie and Edgar, in front of the new National Art Gallery.

Kian, Edgar and Jamie playing at the Art Museum.

Kristine, Jamie and Sarah in front of Neptune, the God of water.

It's also been great, just being able to see Edgar in his element here.

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Anger

2010-01-01T20:02:00.003+01:00

It's a good thing to be angry once you've found your anger. Of course, if you're an angry person it's just embarrassing to be angry all the time. Recently, I realized that I've been angry for a long time. Just haven't had the avenue to express it. Haven't really felt the freedom to be able to express anger.

Some things I'm angry about:

- Religion: I think it should be at the top of everybody's list. All it does is screw up our minds to really be able to see the person standing across from us.

- Institutional Church: See "Religion", additionally - Church is a breeding ground for an us against them mentality.

- The Bible - in the hands of numbskulls: The Bible takes for granted, there is a living breathing intelligent human being reading it. Is this not the case, even the saintliest words of Saint John aren't going to make an ignoramus into Captain James T. Kirk, discovering new uncharted reaches of spirituality. It will, however, be used in order to back said ignoramus' points and overall way of life whatever the cost, even should it mean cutting down those who are not in total agreement. This is in effect quite easy, once fueled with enough arguments condemning the actions of others, as taken from God's Holy Word, making it a comfortable task for the ignoramus to overlook the shit in his own pants.

For this reason I am for abolishing the Bible. Being that I frequently smell the stench coming from my own pants, I will be keeping all my copies and continue reading them to further my understanding of God. Everyone else needs to get a license, in Bible reading before opening the book though. There's too much good stuff in there to let it be ruined by dumb shits just itching for a good argument to bring their brother down. To hell with them, and me too, should I ever go back to being such a self-abased apologist.

The Bible wasn't made for you! It's not Jesus love letter to you! Don't you think that Jesus would have found you without the Bible? Is God sooo unbelievably small that He can't get to you unless John Wycliff and sons come with a Bible translation for your tribe? No! Wherever you go, He will find you, and He is already loving all those people in all those tribes all over the world. Our biggest mistake is thinking Jesus looks like Ronald McDonald. Everyone has to understand how to preach like we do and they should all put some damn clothes on! Isn't God everywhere at the same time, like super Santa? Or is it somehow that we have to unlock some sort of secret level of the game, in order that his powers would also work among Incas, and be able to reach new parts of the world, which were, until that point, somehow unreachable by Him. WTF! Noooo!

God is BIG! You are small. Really small. Think about that the next time you read your Bible or go to church. The Bible is there to let you know you're going in the right direction. That you're just like all the other thick heads on the planet. You don't get better just because you read the Bible. You get confirmation of your own thick headedness. If you get anything else out of the Bible you're a numbskull and need a Bible reading license.

And yes, feel free to argue with me. Just not if you're an ignoramus.

Ross New Year

2009-12-31T23:44:00.001+01:00

Sitting here, just a watching you sleep, I cannot think of a better new year celebration than being this close to you.

I'm tired and I know you are too. Our children are small but cause us to move great lengths to nurish and protect them. Sometimes, we may fool ourselves saying inside "how could I possibly keep going!?". But we can and we will together. Doing family isn't about understanding the each other in all situations, but rather about experiencing as many of those situations together as possible. Naturally, I mean those difficult moments when you think life just isn't going forward anymore.

Everybody has those kinds of life altering experiences that cause you to doubt the sincerity of those around you, or conversely cause others to question you're integrity, which is precisely why those kinds of moments are so important. They make us cherish whoever the stranger or family member across from us might be. Even if that person has done something awlful, which has caused trust to be broken. In the end, because you've been through you're own shit you there is simply nothing left to say other than, "hey, you're just like me!"

So to get back to my point from the beginning: my baby and me have been through the shit together and there's no other place I'd like to be on new years eve than alone with her at her feet on our couch, thankful for the few quiet moments before the new day, and with it, the new year dawn.

Friends

2009-12-28T22:44:00.001+01:00

It's imperative to have friends! As I get older I cherish those friendships more and more that require little maintanance as they are the most fitting to my life with small children. In fact... I can't say I have any high-maintanance friendships at the moment. Come to think of it: I think it's just a sign of age.

And I'm okay with that.

Knowing God

2009-11-18T21:46:00.005+01:00

I wish that in my "Information" section on facebook, I could have come up with some nice creative way of describing my religious views. It makes me jealous to read all the wonderful things that fellow heathens have come up with to voice their religious preferences. But in the end, I'm just a messed-up no-nothing when it comes to the God stuff. I mean... what's wrong with saying: "I don't know. Waiting for further instructions."? What is it about religion that makes us think we can or even have to know everything, or for that matter anything about God?

Jesus said something about the kingdom of God being here among us. He was saying that forgiveness brings heaven to someones life and harboring sin brings about hell. Right here and now. He showed us that God is walking amongst us, and told us to go out and live the same. We aren't to wait for Jesus to bring God to people. Our job is to be God to people. Right now! And I'm glad that this looks much more "normal" than I used to think it did.

In the end, like it says in Psalms: are we not all gods?

Things said...

2009-11-16T21:58:00.003+01:00

Changing, becoming a different person was harder last year. Life as I knew it had ended. Years, of what I thought to be time well invested rendered, for the time meaningless. A new code of meaning and importance has since been developing inside of me. Life is much less complicated and quite a bit more enjoyable.

Being able to laugh about the mundane and not have a bad conscience about being shallow most of the time. I think it's a gift. At least for now. So much time has been spent thinking about how to convince someone of a new way of thinking, that I right like my new found freedom to just listen to other ways of thinking, and doing less of the stuff myself.

Life is great!

2009-11-15T23:31:00.001+01:00

I have never felt this liberated. It is good to be with my wife and my children. It is good to be a husband and a daddy, without a higher calling than the one place before me everyday. I am content. ;-)

God. A loving father!?

2009-09-11T10:38:00.002+02:00

Here's one that I would like someone to explain to me:

God is compared to a loving father. The father of all mankind correct?
Then why throughout history have people, starting with the Jews, been killing other people in the name of God? Yes, why would God even will it as he does in the Bible? Afterall he is the loving father of all mankind.

I grew up with the view that it is necessary for God to send some people to hell in order to lavish his made righteous with gracious love and entrance into heaven. But in the Bible it says that all are created equal. There is not righteous not even one. If that is so, what is different about a Christian? A Christian is someone who has said "yes with their mouth and believes in their heart that Jesus Christ is Lord". But what if someone doesn't say "yes" to God. Does that all of a sudden make them less righteous than the one who did say "yes" to God? But that wouldn't make since, because noone is righteous of their own accord but rather through Jesus, the loving Father of all mankind.

As a father of just two young children, I understand that I wouldn never punish the one to let the other one know how much I loved him. It would also never matter to me what either one of them did, no matter how bad, each of them will always be my child. And even if they should, for some reason, never want anything to do with me again and leave me completely out of their lives, I will continue loving them for as long as I have breath. This is grace! Even a thankless, disrespectful, embarassing child is loved by a loving father. If not, the father isn't worth his salt.

So if God is the cosmic Loving Father, why should he be held to a lesser quality of love than I? Why should he get to chose to kill some for the sake of others? That really just doesn't make since. Or maybe people have made something out of God that he really is not. If you look at the church today and how so much is based on holding to the right rules and wearing the right close, going to the right concerts, etc. etc., then it's easy for me to see how the people during the bible writing days were also merely trying to gather their people around a common set of mores and measurable values.

How else can it be explained that The Loving Father could will so much death even genocide?

Lost my religion

2009-08-31T22:04:00.003+02:00

So the last post was from February. I was speaking of a longing I have for some type of ministry. Not so anymore. I'm completely and utterly okay with simply being who I am apart from a church ministry. Slowly, I'm developing something of what might be called an opinion of the church, but I'm not sure if I really want to share it on blogger yet. Often is the case, in which people who aren't going down your path with you, jump right in and want to start pointing out how you're doing, whatever it is you're doing, wrongly. I used to do that all the time. I missed out on the point that someone else was having a totally different, exciting journey of their own that had almost nil in common with my own experiences. Because of this, I always knew answers to everybody's problems: just let them know how necessary it was for them to become more like me. I even liked to say: "if everyone were just more like me". Of course I said I was joking, but now I realize how serious I really was.

It's enjoyable now to just be a fuck-up like everyone else, without the aching need to always preach at people and get them to understand the big picture. Sometimes, there is no big picture (at least for the moment). Sometimes, it's just that you're kid is really sick and you're trying to find hope that it will pull through. Or your wife is sleeping around with another guy. Or you've been having an affair and you don't know how to get out of it; or you're up to your eyeballs in debt and sick of not going on vacation with your family because you're always penny pinching.

In cases like these, it's not about if you pray hard enough or believe, it's just about feeling like shit because you know you're in a situation that you can't make-believe away. You know it's going to take long years of your life and lots of patience to get out of it. And that's not bad. It's just the way of it. There's a lot of good and bad along the way in each of those circumstances. Good and bad that desires to be shared with friends who are really interested in the good and bad stuff and not self-righteous idiots who want to preach to you about how you have to change your life. That was my daily bread for like 9 years (at least).

Liberation is a feeling, which can only be cherished on the other side of captivity. Like the reporters who were recently freed from North Korea: I have been freed from 'ligion.

LOST

2009-02-26T13:59:00.002+01:00

It's nice to be on the other side of the fence. I've devoted myself for so long, to theology and the furtherance of the churches cause, that I was completely unable to realize that I had in a lot of ways left God's cause. Being on the other side of the church office (meaning a normal business office), helps me understand more of what people think about the church and what the really are searching for. Not just what I'd like them to know about a God I've created because it makes sense to me.

I feel a longing to be in some kind of ministry in the future, as of yet though, I'm not at all sure how that is going to look like. For now, I'm happy to be where I am. Discovering my own faults and learning to love me in spite of them, and learning to embrace the faults of others, letting them walk the path they have been given and not trying to convince them that they should be struggling down my path. Good to know that God goes down everybody's path. He's not scared or turned off by any of it.

Something totally different. Saw this funny parody of "LOST" the TV Show on YouTube. It made me laugh, since I've only recently (a couple weeks ago) started watching LOST.

Here's the parody:

Let me bite you

2009-02-09T15:15:00.001+01:00

A Change would do you good

2008-06-05T22:38:00.002+02:00

Thinking of change is a good thing. Actually changing is better.

I'm really enjoying the exchange with the pastors here. Not that everything is really spiritual. Rather the depth of the lecture we took part in was stirring. It was about change. But not just change for the sake of change. Rather daring to change, knowing it will open the door to new discoveries that will make you into the person you're supposed to be.

I had to think of this song this evening. Hope you like the show.

Southern Pastors Conference

2008-06-04T22:10:00.002+02:00

Tomorrow, I'm going to a southern pastors conference in Mosbach. A small village not too far from Pforzheim, where the south-german church of God pastors are meeting to talk big boy stuff. What that really means, is that we eat a lot and complain about our wives (laugh).

Speaking of wives, I'm really going to miss mine. I don't know if I'm abnormal, or just very unhealthy in my head, but I really miss my family when I'm gone from them. In fact, I hate driving away from them. Even now, thinking about going tomorrow is sad for me. Sometimes, I really try to be like and desire to be one of those great missionaries, who travels around the world more weeks of the year than he's home. But the more I think about it and the more such experiences I have, the more I'm realizing that I'm just not wired that way. I think: I married my wife to be with her, not to let her have all the fun with our boy at home alone.

By the way... Mosbach is the main Headquarters for OM (Operation Mobilization) and we'll be staying there at their Headquarters.

Der Dank geht voran

2008-05-25T22:37:00.002+02:00

So viel verändert sich in meinem Leben zur Zeit. Ich kann es nicht wirklich erklären. Es sind nicht Dinge sichtbarer Natur, sondern tiefer, prägender.

Meine ganze Sicht der Dinge verändert sich. Ich merke wie der Heilige Geist alles in meinem Leben auf dem Kopf stellt. Manchmal möchte ich weinen. Manchmal lache ich. Etwas das ich erst seit einigen Wochen, allein vor dem Herrn, wieder erlebe. Seit längere Zeit, ist diese Erfahrung mir fremd geworden.

Ich fühle mich geborgen in Gottes Hand. Die Zukunft steht offen und ich lausche die Worte aus seinem Mund. Sie gehen mir direkt ins Herz. Sie "revolutionieren" mich.

Ich bin neu!

Ich will danken, denn der Herr ist gütig und voller Treue. Ich will ihm lobsingen mein Leben lang.

Changing a heart

2008-05-07T14:39:00.002+02:00

It's a slow process, changing a heart like mine. Nevertheless, I become ever more aware how God is changing me. I said in my last entry that, "thankfulness" was going to be my topic for the next season. I'm not sure how long this "season" is going to last. I'm also not interested in getting it over with as quickly as possible. The fruit of being thankful is self evident. Why would I ever want to hurry this along?

The hardest part for me is to discover thankfulness in areas of my life, where I could only feel bitterness before. Areas where I totally felt abandoned by God. Upon speaking with God about these feelings of abandonment, I found him to be more than comforting. It's strange, but I've recently been realizing that I've only been coming to God with things that I think he wants to hear from me. I would try and force myself to love him more than I do. Force myself to praise him more than I want to. After approaching him about my double sided heart and telling him what I really felt, I was quickly touched and wooed into a deeper intimacy with him.

Truly God is great and doesn't leave us alone in our need. It is my mistake, getting so caught up in my own correct piety, which keeps me from intimacy with the God who requires candor and not self-chastisement. At times, the mercy of God is so tangible, I feel carried by a cloud. But the times of loneliness and the moments of temptation, which tease me to stray from simple mindedness, funny as it were, are the times and places in which the Lord is most real to me. It didn't use to be that way. But in the last days, while keeping thankfulness in my mind, I have been encouraged and taught in this regard.

Thankfulness bears fruit

2008-05-01T21:53:00.002+02:00

Trying to remind myself of the words of Psalm 50 and the like. To be thankful is to understand the mysteries of God. Or perhaps better said: if I'm not thankful, I close my own heart to God being able to reveal the mysteries of his heart to me.

My problem is truly, that my day to day, is so full of things that keep me from consciously being aware of God. Sure, God is everywhere and moving in all situations. Of that I'm sure. But when my little, Jamie is constantly disobeying or demanding my attention, or on the verge of killing himself, I'm only thinking about tending to him. By the time the day is through, I can't think of anything anymore. Just want to get into bed and read a paragraph, before falling asleep.

So, how do I develop a deeper awareness of God, and a thankfulness to him, for His leading in my life? I'm trying to get away from making this to such a distracting task, that I'm unable to enjoy the mundane anymore. With that I mean: I don't want to be so consumed with pursuing a thankful life, that I forget to just be with my boy. I don't even see that as being a danger with me. On the contrary, I have no problem whatsoever, just being mundane. But then I realize, there is a depth to my spiritual walk, which is missing. Ergo my desire to discover a life of thankfulness. Among other things. For this season it's thankfulness. Maybe I'll let you in on what the next season brings. But before the next season can come, the winds of thankfulness must blow.

Psalm 50 - Dank

2008-04-30T11:46:00.002+02:00

Die letzten Wochen in Bibelabenteuerland, beschäftigten wir uns mit dem Thema "Dank". Wir haben versucht, den Kindern auch zu vermitteln, dass Dank nicht nur dann angebracht ist, wenn es uns gut geht oder etwas fröhliches uns passiert, sondern auch eben dann, wenn wir nicht mehr verstehen wie Gott solche schreckliche Sachen passieren lassen könnte.

Bei einer Pastorenkonferenz in Willnsdorf, vor etwa zwei Wochen ist mir das Thema "Dank" in Psalm 107 wieder begegnet. Mein Herz beschäftigt sich sehr mit diesen Gedanken gerade, weil ich merke wie wenig ich Gott danke. Ich pausiere nicht, die Komplikationen und Missständen meines Lebens ihm zu geben. Dadurch merke ich wie mein Herz mit der Zeit hart wird.

Psalm 50,23 - ist mir in den letzten zwei Wochen einen ständigen Begleiter gewesen. "Wer Dank opfert, der ehrt mich, und wer seinen Weg recht ausrichtet, dem zeige ich das Heil Gottes!"

Hier sind zwei Dinge die für mich in den letzten Tagen sehr wichtig geworden sind. 1) Wenn ich Gott ehren möchte, ist es nicht durch meine Art und Weise zu musizieren oder Gottesdienst zu feiern, sondern durch den Dank in meiner jeden Lebenslage. 2) Ich habe die Verantwortung mein eigener Lebensweg zu richten. Keine Menge von Gebet, wird die Richtung meines Lebens verändern. Ich muss mein Leben korrekt ausrichten.

Als Resultat verspricht Gott, mir sein Heil zu zeigen. Die Vollendung der Schönheit selbst, wird mir Einblick gewähren in sein Heil, wenn ich mich zu Dank an ihm bewege und mein Leben danach lebe, was richtig und ehrbar ist. Der Dank befähigt mich, wahr Demut zu lernen. Wenn ich lerne Gott zu danken in jeder Lebenslage, werde ich auch merken wie klein und begrenzt mein eigenes Denken und Fassungsvermögen wirklich ist. Daraus entwickelt sich bei mir eine Lust, an diesem Großen allumfassenden, allwissenden Gott zu bleiben. Denn er allein weiß wie es nach Hause geht.

Diese Gedanken kamen mir in der letzten Zeit, erneut als Ermutigung zu. Der Herr Jesus Christus arbeitet beständig, mir diese Lehre des Danks zu vermitteln. Vielleicht werde ich eines Tages, vor seiner Haustür, in die Tiefe dieses Geheimnisses eintauchen. Bis dahin, wünsche ich, dass der Herr noch so geduldig und beständig an mir arbeitet.

Schneller und einfacher

2008-04-23T11:02:00.004+02:00

Ich liebe .mac. Der Dienst ist wirklich genial. Dennoch ist es einfach viel einfacher im Web, beim blogger/google zu bleiben. Überhaupt: was haben die verschiedene Dienste an sich? Facebook, MySpace, Blogger, Flogger, Zanga, Wanda und wie sie noch alle überhaupt heißen. Jeder Dienst hat etwas was der andere nicht hat. Ich resigniere fast daran. Vielleicht bin ich einfach zu alt für das Internet. Sowieso für das bloggen. Also, die Leute die noch von mir ab und an was lesen wollen, werden ein Wenig rum surfen müssen um raus zu finden wo ich gerade gepostet habe. Oder einfach den RSS Feed abonnieren. Dann seht ihr auf jeden Fall wo ich gerade was tippe. Entweder auf dieser Seite:http://nathirk.blogspot.com/ oder auf dieser Seite: http://web.mac.com/jonathan.ross/jonslife/blog/blog.html

Another Blog

2007-11-22T23:32:00.001+01:00

Check this out everybody... Another Blog from Jon. It's actually the same old one just with new content. Click Here!

Black Forest Cherry...

2007-09-16T21:26:00.000+02:00

Today we went to a little village in the Black Forest called "Höfen". We stopped at a restaurant we'd been wanting to visit for awhile called "Zum Ochsen" and had ourselves the second best Black Forest Cherry cake. The first best would have to go to Albertson's Backery in Portland, Oregon. ;-)

After we had eaten our cake, we went to a park attached to the restaurant/hotel. Jamie had a hay-day cleaning dirt out of a drain. He stunk like a madman afterward.

There was also this fountain that he would have done a header into, had I not stopped the camera to catch him.

Then of course there was the slide. Jamie loves slides! No matter the size.

Actually, the bigger the better. I just have to make sure and not let him slide down alone. So far that's been pretty easy. I always have to be with him anyway. But someday sooner than later, he'll be flying down those things at lightning fast speeds. I just hope that somebody will be there to catch him. If he's anything like me, which certainly can't be the case, he'll want to show everybody how big he is and doesn't need anybody to help him with the slide. Then we might have to make sure that there's a grandma around to carry him home after he hurts himself. ;-)

Jamie's is a real kick in the pants

2007-09-02T19:33:00.000+02:00

Today was Sunday. And it was restful. We spent the morning at the church service. Well... not really. Kristine actually sat in the sanctuary and took part in church. I was in the children's room with Jamie for the most part, playing with trucks and legos. That's the way church should be if you ask me. ;-)

Jamie then showed us all what a great communicator he is, while playing with Grandpa's cell phone. He wasn't about to let anyone show him how to do it. He was trying to show us!

We're pretty spoiled people, so after lunch we went to the park with some friends and had a blast making the area unsafe. Jamie is such an outdoorsy kinda guy. He loves lots of space, being able to explore, whatever he wants to, without being told too often that he's not allowed. He loves hittin' the slide hard with Pops and just doin' his own thing. I love that boy.

As you can see... don't you just wanna cuddle him too? Oh wait... I mean... what a manly man. Er... uhh, yeah that's right. Who needs cuddlin'?

Hangin' at the church

2007-09-01T23:35:00.000+02:00

Yesterday, Jamie and I went for a walk to an old church here in our village. It was great. We played in the courtyard. Found pine-cones, moved them from one grassy knoll to the other and then back again.

The conclusion was Jamie opening and closing this big iron gate in front of the courtyard. He really goes all out. My boy... he's got the blood of a scottish man in 'em. Or maybe he's just another american mutt. Whatever his blood makeup, he's one strapping boy!

Fishies Part II

2007-09-01T23:18:00.000+02:00

It is at this point I would like to proudly say that my son and I were, for the 2nd time, together at the Fish farm not far from our apartment.

The mission was trout. At least that was my mission. Jamie's mission on the other hand was not merely to look at trout, but to experience the trout. He attempted to dive into one of the trout ponds a couple times. After I wouldn't let him, he settled for dropping his little blue rake in instead.

This all took place inside 5 minutes. At which time I promptly decided to strap his little body into the buggy and find a playground.

Trout farms are no place for 1 year olds. Nevertheless, I enjoyed finally once again making it the the trout farm together with my boy. He's a real kick in the pants.

Link to Greece pics

2007-08-27T00:17:00.000+02:00

Okay here's the link to the Greece pics. Hope you like.

Walkin'. Yes indeed I'm talkin'...

2007-08-26T23:06:00.000+02:00

Yes it's true. The rumors you've heard shall hopefully be confirmed here before your very eyes, by this wonderful video. Jamie started taking his first steps in Greece! We're pretty stinken proud of him. Hope you all enjoy. He's not yet talking though. Please don't be misled by the title. And the video was shot on location in our Backyard in Germany after getting home from Greece. Just wanted to be sure you didn't think Greece was that green. ;-)

I'm uploading a bunch of pics from Greece. As soon as their up, I'll post the link so you can look at them as well. There's quite a few.

Greece was great

2007-08-21T22:33:00.001+02:00

Well, we're back from Greece! Had a great time and took some pics. I'll post some tomorrow, whenever I am more awake. Sure missed sharing with you. More to come.

Tired...

2007-07-03T21:59:00.000+02:00

Okay you guessed it... I'm tired.

The last few nights we've been getting to be relatively early. Around 10.30pm. We're trying to put Jamie to bed a little later and we're going to be a little earlier these days. That way he sleeps longer and we can too.

True to form he's getting all his teeth at once. I know it's not like that with all babies, but I'm sure there's quite a few, who have it similar. Looking into the inside of his mouth reminds me of looking out over the Alps. He's got little pointy mollers coming in all over the place. It's made for a few long nights.

He's also getting more and more personality. Which makes it on the one hand more fun to be with him but on the other hand more of a challenge. It's great as long as he's asserting himself at the proper times. The problem is... he never knows when to stop asserting himself. ;-) lol.

Sorry no pics this time. I've been camera lazy.

One little, two little... Indians

2007-06-26T22:00:00.000+02:00

Can you even post a blog with the name "Indians" in it? Or is that too un-PC?

Our little boy running around, trying to pull an indian hat off his head, which he made with his mommy in the little "ankle biter's group" at church, is to say the least the sweetest thing. He runs around with an expression on his face between a smile and a scream of protest. He didn't really like the thing on his head, but he sure does look cute.

I think I learn everyday, more about God's grace and desire to be with us people. I really don't think there's anything Jamie could ever do that would make me not accept him. That I wont always agree with all he does. That's of course a different story. The funny thing is: I know he wont be able to understand this dichotomy, until he has children himself one day. May he be pat

ient and gracious with the other life forms on this planet until then.

Jamie playing with the camera

2007-06-19T23:10:00.000+02:00

This is not the video of how Jamie got his bruise. The bruise happened a day later.

Cuts and Bruises

2007-06-19T22:25:00.000+02:00

Well Jamie got his first real good bonk on the head the other day. The worst part is... I was right there next to him and was actually trying to prevent him from hitting his head. In the end I think I even played a role in him hitting his head even harder.

He fell down in our bathroom and landed on the edge of some tiles. It really looked nasty for a couple days. But like kids are, it only took about three minutes after hitting his head, for him to find something else that captured his attention enough, to make him forget about the pulsing pain above his eye. He's a tough one.

There has been so much going on the week. I would really like to write every day or every other day in the blog, but it just doesn't work out. I hope you all understand.

I was really moved today by the story of Jesus raising Jairus' daughter to life. He took her hand and said, "get up little girl". I was encouraged to remember that Jesus likes doing what no one expects Him to do. He likes revealing the show of those stooped in religion. He likes pulling back the curtain, while we're really deep in our religious prayers and saying: "why don't you just ask?"

If Jesus wants to move my heart to deeper faith He will. I just need to make sure that I'm not so caught up in what I believe Jesus wants from me, that I'm no longer able to hear the words of the Father, whenever He wants me to do something that bursts my "christian" bubble.

A Day in the Life of...

2007-06-12T14:35:00.000+02:00

Today I am writting this post in mac's Safari browser. Normally, I've had to use Firefox because Safari was unable to display all the functions of blogger.com. I must say... Thank you Apple! This is the best browser experience to dato.

The other day we hung out in the park as a family. It was loads of fun. Jamie is always looking for adventure, which makes going with him to the park an exciting extravaganza.

Had a terrible headache yesterday. Took 1000 miligrams of some

good stuff and it didn't help. Finally, I fell asleep only to wake up still having my headache. I know some of you have such experiences often. I don't! It was

by no means fun. I had called my sister earlier to see if she'd be home later to talk with. Later I had a headache and was unable to talk with her.

Hope to yack some at her tonight.

Little Boy Sleeps

2007-06-11T08:56:00.001+02:00

It's Monday morning. Jamie is taking a nap and I just finished watching a John Piper sermon.

I wish for our family, for myself, Kristine and our littel boy Jamie that we could live in such a way that many would understand the message of Christ. Forgiving and Forbearing one another daily.

Gone the whole day

2007-06-06T22:39:00.000+02:00

Had a long day today. Got home a little while ago and sat down next to Kristine. She read some until she finally fell asleep on the couch. I really don't like being gone from the morning till the evening. Sometimes I leave around 9am and get home shortly after 10pm. Sometimes I leave home at 7.30am and get home at 11.30pm. Other times I get home around 4pm. Those are wonderful days for our family. They seem to be few and far between though.

Listen to me... Just got home from a whole week with the family in Austria and I'm already complaining. I guess that's just it though. Like the saying goes, "you don't know what you got till it's gone". The week with Kristine and Jamie (of course there were a lot of people from the church there as well), was like balsam for my soul. Inside I began dancing and feeling the spirit of my Kristine in ways I couldn't imagine. After spending just a week with her, every day all day, her problems, worries, fears and dreams are more real to me and make me look at her differently in our day to day life now.

Vacation is not for the week at heart but rather for those, who have grasped the truth behind a healthy mind and spirit, and the magic that happens in the community of ones family in the time you are away together.

Go on vacation more! All of you!

All Things New

2007-06-05T21:49:00.000+02:00

God really does make all things new. The only problem is that we are often unable to see how new we are becoming. We get discouraged by the lack of progress we are making on a human level and begin trying to make ourselves look good on the outside. We get more caught up in trying to look Christian than in "being" Christian.

I really hope that we can use the means available to us today (like this blog for example) to encourage each other to not merely act like Christians are supposed to act but much more to encourage toward obedience to the call of Christ, which was a call to go out and be what you could never be on your own. To do the impossible because the God of all Creation is alive in you.

Be encouraged to take the next 5 minutes to focus on where God is leading you. Not where you want to go, but what God is wanting to make your heart into. Maybe that means loving someone who you'd rather hate. Or skipping a TV show to talk with your kids. Whoever you are and whatever your poison, ask God to give you eyes to see His work in the next 5 minutes.

It's often hard to be dad and mom sometimes. There's constantly someone there sucking you dry. Kristine gets to spend more time with Jamie than I do so she could write a book about being sucked dry. At the church retreat though, I got to feel what it's like to have Jamie around 24 hrs a day and it was a wonderful experience. I was really challenged to ask God what His heart was for the next 5 minutes. Made me look at Jamie with new eyes... every 5 minutes. It was hard, but thinking like that really made me enjoy every second of our time together.

I cannot simply say I believe in the love of God and then keep it all to myself. Or even worse, select the people, whom I'm going to give it to.

Be encouraged, and be bold! If you are in Christ, you have been and are being made new.

New Pics

2007-06-05T21:47:00.000+02:00

All the pics from the retreat are up online, if you want to take a look at all 108 of them. If not, don't feel pressured. You don't have to look at them. Click on the title for this blog entry "New Pics" to be directed to the gallery page. Or just click on this word "Link".

Home again, home again

2007-06-03T22:22:00.000+02:00

Jamie's birthday was the best. I think he really enjoyed getting some surprises and especially the cake with all the people singing to him. It was a great time. There's nothin' like seeing your little boy smiling at his birthday party.

Of course the time we spent together at the retreat was the best. Not just the birthday party. We went for a boat ride on a big lake and saw some incredible views of the mountains in the area. Absolutely breathtaking.

As good as it was though, it was great to get home today. I'll be posting all the pictures from the trip soon so, if anyone would like you can take a look at them all.

As for now...

It's late and I need to get to bed. Jamie wishes you all sweet dreams and a blessed year.

Vacation with Family and Friends

2007-06-01T20:43:00.000+02:00

It's actually called a "Family-Retreat". Sounds pretty official, but I have to say, we are really enjoying ourselves here. We're right in the middle of one of the most beautiful parts of Austria. It's called "Tirol". It stretches through Austria and into northern Italy.

Last night Jamie couldn't sleep, so I got up with him and walked around. Had to do it twice cause the first time didn't take. The second time I had to get up and walk around with him (around 2am), we went to a quite room somewhere on the east side of the building. (Facing the Moonrise). It was a full moon! The sky was pretty clear and the moon shown between the mountains like a beacon of hope. It was an encouragement and a reminder. Dark times do come and joyful times will once again greet us in the morning. But the tears of the night, we still have to cry.

May you be strengthened today, knowing that God sends the moon as well as the sun. And sometimes he takes them both altogether. It's our task, no matter what; to remember that it all serves His greater good. It's just that His "greater Good" is not always recognizable for as such from our side.

Jamie turned a year old yesterday! Oh, how we shouted for joy! God be glorified and praised for the life of our boy, whom He gave! Jamie, may you be granted with ears to hear the voice of your great Father, and eyes to see His beauty, always!

We love you and are proud of you!

On our way to Achenkirch Austria

2007-05-28T23:39:00.000+02:00

This week we're going to beautiful Achenkirch, in Austria. It's part of a family retreat with our church. We're looking forward to getting out together. Although it wont be "real" vacation, we will have much more time together than normal. I only have minimal obligations at the retreat, so our days are going to be filled with trips into the mountains; visiting the little village "downtown" area; maybe going to the swimming pool and mostly just relaxing together as a family with other families.

Yesterday, I was at our denominations Regional Youth Conference. I was asked to preach there. From a purely rhetorical standpoint: it was a flop. I none the less hope that Christ was able to use me to really motivate some people to think about their Christianity. Other than through His divine intervention though, there wont be any good fruit coming from my being there. I pretty much made every speaking mistake possible. I tend to do that every now and then, and it's always a good experience for me to lean on the Lord and trust Him to make the foolish words of a foolish man into something so godly and divine that hearts would be transformed to action. Please pray for yesterdays conference. The youth who were there really need motivation from God's Spirit to live a life given-up to Him.

I'm tired. Kristine is already in bed and I don't know why I'm sitting out here writing so late.

April Showers...

2007-05-26T09:08:00.000+02:00

...bring May showers and what do Mayshowers bring? At best... washed out Pilgrims.

It's incredible how much it's been raining in May over here. In April it was just cool. But, as far as I can remember, it didn't really rain in April. Now it's hot and thundering showering. But that's the way it's been for a least the last week. The weeks before, it wasn't necessarily that hot, but it sure did rain alot.

So my question is... what's going to happen to all the Pilgrims? I mean, without their Mayflowers they're kind of washed-up right?

(Let it be known that there is hope for the Pilgrims. Although May has brought an abundance of rain, the flowers have fought mightily to maintain their resplendence).

Not much time

2007-05-25T10:59:00.000+02:00

We've been running around like crazy the last week. Funny how there's always something to do. It's actually not very funny. It's sick and nuts. I long for the days to return, when the setting sun told everyone to go inside and take a break. When people lived so far away from each other that it was impossible to get everybody together at the church more than one evening a week.

It's ironic that I am the family Pastor at our church and experience weeks, where I only see my family on Saturday or maybe only a Sunday afternoon. It's not right. But first, I need to learn how to act differently. I already "know" that healthy family life cannot continue long under such pressures. But "living" a different kind of life, consistently is hard. I need a mind and a heart change.

This is my struggle currently...

God is good all the time...

2007-05-21T09:54:00.001+02:00

This weekend was filled with wonderful experiences. Friday evening began at our church a 24/1 prayer day. We hope to have a 24/7 sometime soon, where the church will be filled with prayer for 24 hours a day for the entire week. The 24/1 went over really well. Had a great start with a group of about 10 to 12 people to kick it off. Really beautiful. Different age groups. Fantastic.

Saturday, was a relatively relaxing day. We cleaned and then Jamie and I got to hang out together, while Kristine went and took care of a bunch of stuff that mommies don't ordinarily get to do, because they never have the time. Both Jamie and I and Kristine really enjoyed it.

Saturday evening we got to go to a Music School reunion of Kristine's parents. It was a joy to see them among their old colleagues and get to know a little more about their life as it was in Uzbekistan. I felt like I got to know them a little better.

Sunday, we went to a church service at one of our churches here about an hour away to translate some American guests from a ministry called LIVE (http://www.liveministriesonline.org/) check out the website. It was a great time with them. Very encouraging.

Sunday night, I went alone to Maulbronn (http://www.maulbronn.de/relaunch/e_800/html/maulbronn.php) check out this website if you want. I was invited to preach there to a group of people looking for more depth in their spirituality than what the state church (Lutheran Church or Catholic Church) is offering them. I cannot describe the blessing, which the Holy Spirit gave to me there. I thank God for his ever new confirmation of grace on my life. May I learn to understand and live from it more.

Concentrating in the last weeks on today. I want to be more open to hearing God today. Often, I get carried away and think about the kind of life I would like to one day be known for. I forget that I will never have that life, if I do not concentrate on today. I just want bigger ears, and a more patient heart for God's poured out word in my soul today. That His poured out word would necessarily produce action in my life. But an action, which I could never organize think up, or plan, rather an action, which springs forth from the spring of His labors in me.

Unexplainable

2007-05-19T14:46:00.000+02:00

I look at my little boy and I can't explain how unexplainable the love for him is. He likes to sort out our collection of Data CDs that we really don't need anymore. Lots of Printer Drivers and old Operating Systems from Windope.

Right now he's sitting on his "throne" eating an apple. All by himself. Slowly he's starting to feel less and less like he belongs to us. More and more as though he is his own little person. Doing what he wants to do. Going to the places where he wants to go. The good thing though about this stage in his life right now is, he always gets to the point of needing to come over to one of us for assurance. He wants us to be involved in what he's doing. I know that even that will change. But for now it is my greatest joy to be his dad. Being there for him when he needs me. Idealistically, I always want to be able to be there for him. Realistically, I know that I will let him down often. God be gracious and merciful to me.

He's amazing! Whenever he gets a piece of apple skin or the piece of apple he bites off is too big, he just spits it out and keeps right on going. He just came that way. We didn't even have to install that feature. ;-) I really enjoy spending time with him.

I'm realizing more and more what my role is in God's Kingdom work. At least for now. Starting to hear, to what type of ministry God has been calling me. It doesn't really change my job at all. Just gives me confirmation in the work that my spirit already knows it should be doing. I've been listening to people too much. Been listening to my own heart too much. God did not not make himself into man, (something totally illogical and fantastic) in order to give us a logical, well ordered, definable Christianity. No, he called us to give up our lives, if we are to find them. Something, which really makes no sense at all. That's why it's impossible for someone who is truly being led by the Spirit of the Holy God, to be taken off the course of the Holy God. In fact I would even go so far as to say: if you can be taken off the course you think you're on for God, then it wasn't God's course to begin with.

He guides and directs. Even when the path becomes illogical and too painful to bear or understand.

Hillarious Apple Video

2007-05-16T22:02:00.000+02:00

I think this video is really worth watching. Had to laugh really hard. Inside.

Feeding my head

2007-05-16T20:39:00.000+02:00

This Sunday evening I'm going to be preaching at an inner church movement called 10till6. Which is a play on the phrase 10 minutes till 6pm. The church is about 25min. away from where we live in a village called Maulbronn. Mom went there with us, while she was here last year. Not to the church but to the village. I'm looking foward to it. And while I'm reading so much Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Oscar Romero, the sermon has to be on the Cost of Discipleship. What it really means to say yes to Christ.

"Yes" to Christ is a necessary "no" to everything else. Anything that would threaten my devotion to the call, of the God became flesh, must be lost. It cannot be that I would first think about, whether I want to lose everything or not. It just hast to happen as a necessary response to the call. If it doesn't, then there is not a positive response to the call of Christ, which means there is not a transformed heart. Whithout these things there is no true Christianity. Check out the gospels in the bible for more info. Jesus never negotiated salvation with anyone.

It really makes one think... Good thoughts to ponder. Good thoughts to turn into action.

Pics of Rome

2007-05-14T13:37:00.000+02:00

By the way...

If you want to look at all the pics of my time at Rome... Here's the link. Just click on the Titel up above "Pics of Rome"

You'll be taken to the page where you can then click on the "Rome" Folder.

Sweet Home Pforzheim

2007-05-14T10:18:00.000+02:00

Well I made it back home.
Safe and sound after a rousing week in Rome. I really think we did more walking that really looking. Anyway, it was a fabulous time.

I was challenged during the Pastor‘s conference to really think about my convictions. I would like to challenge you in turn to think about why you believe what you believe or do you even believe? If your faith is something that can be destroyed than it is most likely faith that never got put into action.

True Faith requires true Obedience, which has been poured out in action, although the doer of the action is totally aware of their own inadequacy to carry the consequences of that action. The result is a faith producing obedience. Without this „stepping-out“ in obedience, to do the impossible, can faith never really become faith. She will ever be illusive and all to pompous a stoic effort to conform to a law, which is impossible to fulfill.

Think about it. It‘s about life and death.

Coming home was a grand adventure. I‘m sitting here now at the breakfast table on Monday morning. Our little boy is taking his morning nap and I‘m just happier than ever to be able to be close by him again. Seeing Kristine again made me see anew, the graceful splendid way about her. Not as an end in itself, but as a splendor being lived out in the way she raises our son and her love for me.

It was a good thing to be gone for awhile. I was able to come home and really see some things for the first time. Yesterday, was a beautiful Mothers-day. We didn‘t do anything „special“. It was special enough just to be together.

Please don‘t misunderstand. It‘s not romance that makes me say these things about my Kristine. It‘s blood, sweat, yelling, hitting and getting ugly and older together that makes me say these things. There is something beyond words about being with my wife for almost seven years that fills me and freely forces me to give praise to God for her.

We stuck in the video of our wedding last night to find a certain song. I watched her walk in and her father give her to me. We were young and romantically in love. As I watched I looked at her sitting, with her elbows on her knees on our couch. Her hair flowing down her back like waves on the ocean. In the same moment I smiled at her on the video, I gave her a smile this side of the computer screen. But the smile was different. The smile in the video, was one of false expectations and a misunderstanding of romance. The smile now, as I watched her smile in return, was simply because I knew what it took to get where we are and being prepared to continue traveling this road together. Seeing crows feet beginning to crawl out of our eyes, the crows feet that we made together, love and romance receive new, real definitions.

It‘s funny, I write these things and I have to think about my idea of love earlier. It wasn‘t much different than it is now. The only difference is: The reason for my feelings are deep, hard-wrought experiences with my Kristine. I could say, and did say similar things about her seven years ago. They just didn‘t carry the meaning they do now. I would even go as far to say that the words I spoke then, were almost empty. Like a young youth saying: Life is meaningless. Work is meaningless. Only love counts. Ergo: I‘m not going to work, I will only love. This statement is true, but is void of context. An older man looking back on his life and saying: Life is meaningless, work is meaningless, I will only love, is a résumé of a life deeply lived. He neither disdains work, nor despises life. He has simply chosen to cling to love the more deeply. Had he chosen to disdain work or despise life, much as the youth would in saying the same thing, he never would have truly learned what it means to love.

I could not learn to love until I had loved.

Thank you Kristine for loving with me. I will be with you ever steadfast.

If Birds Could Speak

2007-05-12T00:39:00.000+02:00

Over the last couple days, I have seriously been asking myself the question: „What if birds could speak.“

Walking around Rome you can‘t help but take notice of the many birds. They fly around living life for no other reason than that it‘s been given to them. It glorifies the creator that they live because He‘s given them life to live. For what other reason does a bird fly than to please the almighty? It‘s somewhat ironic that these birds, who have been around in Rome longer than the Romans, live for the very creator, who to this day is not recognized in total obedient surrender and worship. How is it that a flock of birds can be more intelligent than humans?

I‘m very tired though I do find this topic interesting and will most likely find myself continually coming back to this basic idea.

Today some of the pastors left for home and now there‘s a group of about 20 of us who are still here. We went into the city together this evening and just got back a little while ago. It was a good time to be with friends and finally enjoy some fellowship together. Rome is truly a city worth coming to in order to explore. Just walking the streets without a goal is destination enough. Around every corner lies some sort of unbelievable beauty, which you just need time to take in. And that‘s precisely the problem. Rome doesn‘t allow enough time to see her. She has you moving from here to there. The rhythm of her heart beats steadily and constant. She doesn‘t stop, feeding on you for her own survival. And you let her because you want to be taken in by her and shown everything, even though you know it‘s just about time to make your way back home.

I have to be honest: I‘m more looking forward to going home than to staying in Rome. But I can see that feeling and even feel inside my own bones. There is something about this city that invites you to stay. It truly is incredible.
I spoke with my wife this evening, That is an experience, which goes beyond all human understanding or reason. I am enthralled by her and desire to just be in her presence. She is my Jezreel sanctified. Thank you sweetheart.

The Brotherhood

2007-05-10T22:47:00.000+02:00

These guys here are spectacular.

Wonderful God-fearing, God-searching men, whom I really enjoying being around. We have a common goal, a common calling which binds us to one another.

Nevertheless, whenever I receive a picture of this little guy on my cell phone from Kristine, my heart skips a beat. There‘s no other boy on the planet who can make my heart as joyful as my son.

Then I start thinking: what in the world am I in Rome for? Why am I not just taking a week off and spending it all with my son? I justify this trip to myself, by telling myself that this is a „work-trip“ and not pleasure. Maybe, but where will it end and how often will I be going on work trips in the future? I want to be careful to not put anything other than Christ and His calling, above my family. And Christ‘s calling in it‘s very nature includes my own family does it not?

Yesterday, we saw candles that could be lit to represent prayers and penance. I have to think of the people going by with the religious looks and believing hearts. They believed in the meaning behind the symbols. They came expectantly with their coins and paid a price to see a light light up as an outward sign of inward piety. Or maybe not. Maybe they are content with the outward symbols but have no inward affection for which they take part in. Be that as it may… The religious tenor of these believers at all the churches we were at was similar. They came to put into action what they believed. No matter how great or small that belief may be. Some came thousands of miles. Crossed oceans. Defied their families.
And this coming Sunday we will go to church and complain about who preached, how he/she preached and then rip the songs apart from top to bottom, no matter who was playing. What about understanding that we are supposed to come to church with an expectant heart to give all that we have, because we know that nothing more and nothing less, is required of us? What about coming to the service on Sunday with an attitude of expecting to be heard, and a willingness to share your own heart?
It might change everything. It nothing else, it would make for more interesting table conversation after the service.

Stones, Stones and more Stones

2007-05-09T17:36:00.000+02:00

Today we got stoned again. And again. And again.

There really seems to be no end to the amount of interesting stones to look at in Rome. Sadly to say, like tigers and lions and flowers in the field, I have gotten to a point, where I can't tell them apart anymore.

Michelangelo has my full respect. Seriously. I just think it's too much to do in three days. Or less. One or two sites a day would be more than enough. I never really was one of those, who liked "speed-tourism."

Since yesterday evening, the only thing I've wanted to do is sit down in a nice Eiscaffe with a good pastor friend, drink a nice cold beer, eat some ice cream and talk theology. It's still a good time.

The conversations we do have are really great and tend to continue throughout the day. I really enjoy being with these fellows and am strengthened by community with them.

I've just had enough of getting "stoned". It's pretty warm here in Rome. Today only around 21 Degrees Celsius and 70 Degrees Fahrenheit. Nevertheless, the sun in shining and does a good job baking. Yes, I've decided... It's time to go get iced. Wish me luck.

Lost in deep thoughts

2007-05-09T06:57:00.000+02:00

It's a beautiful thing to awake to a headache and Roman birds chirping. These birds have a story to tell. Think of it. Generation for generation these birds have been flying over this city, watching this folk. Or maybe the thought really isn't that interesting. It's just me trying to come up with some really deep thought.

Today the plan is to check out a bunch of churches and the relicts there. After yesterdays extravaganza, I am not all that excited about the great deal of walking and direct sun rays promised for today. Had enough yesterday. The buildings and churches here are so enormous and historical that it would be enough to spend a day in each. I would have nothing against being left behind at the first church we walk into. There are so many photo happy pastors along on this trip. I'm sure between the pictures from all of them, I could make 360 Degree Photos from each monument and fresco.

Don't misunderstand me. It's beautiful. It's just that I like to enjoy.

First Impressions of Rome

2007-05-08T23:15:00.000+02:00

It was a beautiful day today in Rome. Never thought I would seriously be here. The first here is taken directly after coming up from the Subway. The first thing you see…
is the Colosseum! It‘s breathtaking and paradoxical. To think that there is now a Subway station next to one of the oldest remnants of antiquity is absolutely amazing.

We walked around from one end of the city today to the other. Starting at the Colosseum we then went to the Roman Forums and then to Saint Peter‘s Dome.

There really has never been a city quite like Rome. Maybe there never will be again. The Romans invented the City. It would take another idea completely, another form or an „uncity“ if you will, in order to be comparable to the significance of the change, which the Romans brought to human sociological development.

It‘s definitely possible that something like a new „better“ form of the city could be reached. But something altogether different? The Romans reached a form of deity with all its problems.
The biggest being:
They found there was already a greater power at work in their game. Today the city feels like a stage for puppets. As though there once was power here but no longer. Other people here on the trip might say something else. A lot of people find Rome to be the last standing refuge of Christendom.

When they‘re here they feel the weight of the power of God. Either I‘m not very spiritual or just insensitive, but all I feel is emptiness, which has quite a weight of its own.

Rom

2007-05-08T08:15:00.000+02:00

We're here in Rome with a bunch of Pastors from the Church of God Germany. More to follow!

Grandma and Sarah

2007-05-03T22:17:00.000+02:00

By the way... If you want to see the pics of our time with Grandma and Sarah as they were here then you can either click on the link above or in the right margin of this blog there's a list of "Links". Click on the one that says "Picture Gallery".

Time Machine

2007-05-03T20:51:00.000+02:00

There is much to tell and yet so much to leave unsaid.

1. Children's Ministry Seminar went well. Looking forward to the next one this coming Saturday. We're going to be repeating the seminar this Saturday evening in order to give people the opportunity to come, who were unable to attend the first time.

2. Jamie is growing by leaps and bounds. I keep wishing I was able to hold on to him more. He's working on crawling and walking at the same time. On top of that, he's got this smile that makes cars stop.

3. Which brings me to point number three. It's not everyday that you have a traffic jam due to too many Ferraris. But we here in Pforzheim belong to one of those lucky very "modern" cosmopolitan cities that attracts the kind of people, who buy Ferraris. Whatever... It's not called "The City of Gold" for nothing. ;-)

4. There really isn't a 4th and yet there is. Still reading "The Cost of Discipleship". It's such a good book I wanted to have it in the original german. I'm surprised actually that this kind of deep spirituality is not more prevalent in Germany. Although Bonhoeffer speaks about this phenomenon, attributing Germany's lack of fear of God and true discipleship, to the cheapening and handing out of grace to anyone and everyone shortly after the reformation. An interesting thought indeed. One, which I can truly understand being here.

Germany is a land that has given up on any absolutes. "All roads lead to Rome" has become the anthem for the church at large and most of Christendom.

Looking at my boy though and watching him grow. I find myself looking ever steadily to the Holy, Awesome Father-God for answers. There's too much that is unexplainable and downright unimaginable that happens everyday. In times like these: how could I depend on my own understanding? And yet... often enough, I certainly do try.

The Cost of the Cross

2007-04-20T21:10:00.000+02:00

Been reading, "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. If anyone ever thought the being a Christian was for our sake, somebody was lying to them. Following Christ is a Glory issue for God. It's His desire to use us to reveal to the world, His continued bearing up of their sufferings. He does this though in the same way that he began doing it at the cross through the sufferings of His son.

Being a Christian is about suffering, yes even unto death. If anyone says anything different, they're looking for excuses, for their life which they know is far from God. Jesus never said any different. We just like reading His words and then determining, through abstract theological concepts, what Jesus really meant with His words for us today. Well He really meant then what it means now. Take up your cross and die to yourself, even if that means death in this earthly life (Mark 8). Only by being called-out to this Grace and accepting it, do we have any hope of overcoming suffering. Just as Jesus' way to overcome His suffering was to head to the cross.

Thank you Dietrich Bonhoeffer for being a man who was dead to himself and being made alive to Christ. God be praised!

Understanding Grace

2007-04-19T11:39:00.000+02:00

I'm sure someone will post a comment to this post with an undertone of "huh, how could you not understand Grace?". Nevertheless, I don't.

The longer God grants me grace to live, the less I understand the grace, I have to this point received. It would seem that the weight of Grace and the potential for guilt and shame, as a result of the realization of Grace waisted, would increase congruent to the amount of time spent on earth. I find it easier to fall to my knees and beat my chest for my own arrogance, regarding the quantity of time waisted, not resting in God's Grace. The time I have spent forcefully and painfully directing my own life path.

In some ways this thought is extremely liberating. I'm learning to understand Grace for what it is. Incomprehensible. On the other hand, I am debilitated by the compounded realization that I am incapable of embracing the incomprehensible. I am then ashamed. Somewhere, I lost my child-like ability to accept the unseen, the unknowable. I'm not quite sure when it happened. Jeremiah, the prophet, gets a message from God for Israel. He's supposed to extol them for falling away from God. He tells them something to the effect: The road out is the road back.

If we are to understand Grace, it is absolutely necessary, to lay aside all our ideas about the conceivable. And yet, I can conceive it! I do. My son, my son. It's you! I have known this all along, but even still the thought rings like being kicked in the ear. Last week I met Grace, today I have met her still. To understand her is another thing, but my son I wish no ill will.

Landed

2007-04-18T22:34:00.000+02:00

I made it to the place I'm going to be calling my home in cyberspace. I hope you all have been keeping up with me. If not... no matter. Here we are now.

MacGarden

2007-04-18T17:04:00.000+02:00

Another day at MacGarden. It's a Wednesday here, which is for me at MacGarden, something like a Friday. Wednesday is my last day in the week of working here. Thursday through Saturday and sometimes Sunday alittle, I work at the church.

There was a lot to do today. For a computer company that prides itself on computers that don't break down, I sure do repair alot of them. ;-)

Working on getting ready for a wedding coming up in May. Going to be leading the program there with my brother (in-law) Edgar! Looking forward to it. Part of the Band I play in at church is going to do the music there as well. It'll be a good time. It's going to be the wedding of our cousin Alfred.

There you go... pure information. No philosophical theological ideas. Just info.

Watching

2007-04-17T22:12:00.000+02:00

Looking at my little boy and watching him grow up, I become aware of all the things I've already learned in my life. Then I realize how many things I will spend, day in and day out, telling him over and over again. Reminding him of how to live, how to behave.

And then one day, he'll look at me and say: "I know already!". And I'll know he does indeed know. And yet I'll know that he doesn't really "know".

And then I'll probably look at my own life and realize that I don't really "know" either.

He's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I wish I could quit working and just spend my time living and experiencing life with him and my wife. Sometime I convince myself, I would be content to just have some land to work and my family around me. I know though that I would then crave for an opportunity to share the life of my family with others.

There's a balance and I haven't found it yet. Looking in to my little boys eyes, I'm not so sure if I will seriously be looking to find a balance.

Nice to be getting back...

2006-09-23T21:17:00.000+02:00

I feel like the last couple years have been a long sojourn. Having been planted into a new culture and everything questioned, which I had ever believed to be true, was a good thing but a very trying time.

It was strange to be at a bible school where the students have a different perspective on God than what you ever thought existed. It's strange to be in a small-group with people who don't even half-way hold the same views that you do.

I don't want to say that God is a totally different God over here. What I mean is that I had to get to know God all over again... I think I just really had to get to know God. It took about 6 years to begin knowing God again and even now, I "know" I'm only at the beginning. Many things I always believed to be true, things I even though I had to discard here in Germany in order to be “relevant”, I am learning to pick back up and claim as truths for my own life.

Often I've felt very alone and misunderstood. It's perhaps odd to some. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and family here; there are certain things though, certain ways of communicating the deepness of the faith, which have been lost to me ever since I got here. This is normal and definitely a common experience of all missionaries. The only thing with me is... I'm not sure if I am a missionary, at least not in the classical since. I may be from another culture, but I have chosen to make the German culture my own. I married my Kristine and received the most perfect woman in the entire world for me. The Lord called me to Germany and placed my wife at my side to tutor, to teach, to give a look behind the curtain of being German. Although this has been very valuable to me over the last seven years, I still remain impeded in my spiritual interaction with others. (And I often through Kristine’s advice to the cats. Sorry sweetie).

It's strange how deeply one's mother tongue speaks to the heart in ways a second language never will. I pray that God would release me from this dependence upon the English language, but the longer I'm here the more I realize just how dependent upon this language I still am.

Recently I began searching the web for English sermons. I wanted to hear the language, to let the word of God pierce my heart like it once did. I found the website of the church where I grew up, and where I still feel attached to as my "home-church” although I have no home (four walls) there. I started downloading sermons from Scott Reavely (the senior pastor) and at once I felt like I was at home, in the pew (if there are even pews anymore). It was a sweet balm for my soul! And don't worry; Rev. Reav is not your "feel good" preacher. He's preaching stuff that you've really got to chew on. My heart said: "This is the good stuff that you need to be thinking about. Take hold of this and internalize it. Let God be alive in you for a German Church".

I don't necessarily see myself coming back to the states. Just realizing that if I am going to be any good as a pastor in Germany, I need to give up my idea that I have to be German. I am American with all the bad and the good sides. My past is not all bad. The teachings of the scripture and the godly life that I learned as a child are costly above all else. I truly grew-up in a bath of godly wisdom. On the other hand, my past is filled with pride in my ability to be the center of attention. The one who can bring a crowd to laughter and console those in need, to think up and say profound things.

I sat in an elders and deacons meeting today and found myself searching for the right words to explain a certain issue. I had to ask for help twice, even though I really don't have a problem using the German language. I can actually speak it quite well. Nevertheless, the Lord uses it daily to show me how much I think of myself above Him. How much I count on my ability to explain an issue, or bring a convincing argument, over His ability to speak with His Spirit words of truth.

I'm learning a lot...but learning isn't fun. Was really encouraged to stay the course the last couple days. All because of some blessed sermons from the place where the shadow of my home rests.

Heart is full

2006-09-14T23:02:00.000+02:00

Learning a lot about church and God's vision for the church. In the last months I've been fighting with the prospect of perhaps being in the wrong place. Or at least that my time here at the church I'm at, could possibly be over.

Have you ever spent a period of time praying for something, pleading God to reveal Himself and His will into your life and present situation? After doing so, have you ever received an answer, which you meant to be the will of God? Maybe it was even a vision, or a coincidence that was so right on that it could no longer be a coincidence? That's what happened to me recently. I really believed to have received a word from God, telling me to pack out things and leave the church. I was so sure that I even quit the job at the church I had. After quitting, the elders and I agreed to give the final decision another week and a half in order to pray together and seek the will of God in the matter. I wasn't expecting this response from them. I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed meeting with a couple of the elders of the last week, to repent of sins together, pray together and forgive one another. I saw the Holy Spirit moving in such incredible ways in their lives, as well as in our relationships. By the end of the week and a half, I realized that this group of elders is exactly the kind of men and women I am looking for to lead a church with. Men and women who are prepared to count on the grace and forgiveness of the pure blood of Christ to carry them through thick and then. In the end, it all boiled down to an inability to communicate freely to each other. Wow! To think: we were on the verge of walking away from a beautiful story, a story where God's bride is made ready for her wedding day, all because of a lack of communication. Not a lack of spiritual maturity, or a lack of God being able to lead this church down the right path. No...nothing more than poor communication. (For all the people who don't know why they're talking basic communication techniques in college).

I’m learning a lot about love and the church through this whole process. And somehow the whole post-modern emergent church discussion became meaningless the moment I was sitting on the couch with the oldest Elder of our church, Eduard Baumgärtner. As we spoke and repented the sins of our heart toward each other, and we both became emotional, I began to think: this is as post-modern as it gets.

If you want to be emergent or post-modern in your faith…find the oldest person of your church, look them in the eye and say…”I love you and I want to get to know who you are, what made you become a Disciple of Christ? What made you stick it out? What do you think of the church today? How can I serve you in my youth? How can I let you know that despite our differences in age, that I want to be your strength in this race, which we are running together.”

That should just about qualify to open your heart to the wildest ride you will ever begin. From that moment on, it will never end.

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. I can do everything but not everything serves good. (1.Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23) I have to think about what I can do in order to serve not only the youth but the old as well. If I’m not, I’m just doing what is permissible (no one is going to lock me up for it), but long term it’s not going to be beneficial for anyone.

Youth Work is wonderful. It needs to be done. However, only as another integrated part of the Church as a whole, encompassing all age groups. Whenever a generation separates itself from the congregation at large it becomes orphaned. God gave us the elderly to learn from. Of course they are going to make mistakes and have fears that may lead us away from the course God wants us to be on. But the young often dive too quickly into situations before counting the costs. The elderly are brittle and brake easily. The young are inexperienced and easily led astray. We all have our problems, which lead us away from God’s plan with our lives. Together, we can extol each other to the way of Faith, Hope and Love, to walk with Christ on His path of Wisdom and keep each other from swaying to the right or the left.

In the last week and a half I have seen all this. In the last week, each generation was there in order to serve the other. The old challenged the young to rethink their inconsistency. The young challenged the old to brake free from their traditions. And those in between called for justice and righteousness.

I stand amazed and the beauty of God’s church. At first glance she’s really kind of plain. Nothing spectacular about her. The sick, the hungry, the tired, the poor, the needy, the homeless, the helpless and even those who know their sinners come and meet there where she (the church) is. The interesting thing is that I have seen God change these people into new people that seek a passion for His thing in their lives. But these people need strong leadership that isn’t going to back down, while they’re on the road to becoming new.

I wasn’t expecting it, and until a week and a half ago I never really thought it would be possible, but I see now that the leadership of this church is the kind of leadership, which is prepared to stay the course God has set out for her, to make the Bride ready for the great feast. I have been watching the elders of the last few months and I see now what before I could not. The Holy Spirit has been working a change in their lives that can only be explainable by His power.

I give thanks to the God of Glory, awesome in Grace and compassionate in Love, who works our means to meet His ends. His is Good and unreckonable. With that I mean He’s always about doing His thing. Even when you’re in a land, where you swear His thing can’t be done.

I know…you’ve all read it before. I just had to write it, because I lived it.

Dependence

2006-08-17T21:29:00.000+02:00

I realize more and more how utterly helpless and dependant I am on God for absolutely everything in my life. Especially now that I look into Jamie's eyes and realize how many things I could do wrong. How many things I could want to do right and fail miserably.

For me it's the most comforting and soothing thing to have my soul ministered to by the very God who created me. To open my soul and let the Savior of the World dissect me, lay me open; to lay there open and vulnerable before Him for a time and know you've been "found out"; and then to take part in the heeling of His heeling hand. The hand that moves with precision, mending all you've laid before Him.

And then I get up. Feeling strong and made right. Not that I have done everything right or that I will ever do everything right. No, not that at all. It's just a complete knowing that I have been made right. Not because of my good decisions and clever calculation, but simply because the Messiah wanted to make something "right" out of something so "wrong".

He is great. I am small.

It's About being ONE

2006-08-16T20:12:00.000+02:00

www.one.org is an organization committed to making poverty history. It’s not as much about raising money for Africa, as it is about raising awareness in the “free-world”: awareness about poverty in one of the largest continents on the planet. The idea is: to use our capitalism, our wealth, our idea of life, to change something for the better in a land long ago written off as the biggest waist of time the western world could ever get it’s hands on, both financially and sociologically.

It’s irresponsible, if we as humans disregard our brothers and sisters, creations of the same creator who created us. Africa is one country. One might say that we have enough homeless in our own land. Why should we be thinking about awareness of poverty in a country, which has nothing to do with us? To him who has been given much, much is required, said Jesus. We need to look after our own. That’s correct. But we are required to help others out of our own wealth. We will in no way be harming our own efforts to get down and dirty, with the poverty stricken of our own country, by engaging in the war on poverty in another land.

Don’t be blind to your responsibility. This isn’t about actionism. It’s about justice. Who is going to bring justice to your neighbor on food stamps and who is going to bring justice for the needy in Africa? It’s about being the hands and the feet of the savior of the world. We are here, endowed with His Spirit to do things, which only his Spirit could do.

It’s time to take this world for Elohim. He has given us the power. Why let it go to waist? Check out www.one.org it’s a cool thing. It wont bring money to Africa, but it might wake up your complacent heart.

By the way: I know it's idealistic, but even Jesus had an idealogy. Those are the things worth living and dying for.

Church is church. God is ELOHIM

2006-07-04T23:32:00.000+02:00

I need to go to bed. But I wanted to dust off an age-old thought before I do. What if church were no longer dependent on a building? What if we as Christians saw our place of meeting and communing with other Christians as not having to take place inside an establishment but rather right in the world where the people really need to see it?

And then take it a step further. What if our church services consisted of real "service" to a dying world. What if we met Sunday mornings at 9am (or Saturday night at 10pm, it really doesn't matter), in some café, listened to somebody preach out of the word and then together go and practice what we just heard preached.

Of course this kind of "church" would be impossible in large congregations unless the split up into smaller groups in order to do their Sunday "service". Each group could have a goal that was important to them. Have a project, which the felt God was leading them to.

Perhaps it would be necessary to come together once a month for fellowship in a big group, to share experiences and encourage one another. And to make sure that these big fellowship meetings, were not just a time to consume burgers and fatty chicken, the church would need a pastor to facilitate spiritual conversation. Not that he would run around and make sure everyone was talking spiritual stuff, but that the people would at least be clear about why they were there; to encourage each other in their individual ministries and gain insight into the larger picture of God's marvelous work among them. If these big meetings never happened, the small groups would run the danger of taking themselves too seriously and then getting all pissed off at each other, because that's just what people do if you leave them long enough in a group alone together.

What if church could look something like this? I know some people are doing just that. I'm just wondering why everybody's not doing it! Currently most churchgoers attend something called a church "service" every Sunday. I believe the term Church Service gives itself away. We should actually be serving God, but truly we are serving our church, which has, if we are honest with ourselves, become more important than God's service. God Service looks more like street work, giving hope to the hopeless and all those other good sounding euphoric things. It's even worse in Germany. In Germany they already say "Gottesdienst" or God Service, but we have come to serve the church instead of God. Wrap your brain around that one if you can.

The Church is the bride, the body of Christ and is not to be seen as an end in itself, but rather a means to a deeper understanding of the indwelling Spirit of God in People, Society and the world. I think if we are really going to transport this message to the unbelieving we need to be where they are as Jesus was. I never liked going to places like Home Depot until I had a home and realized how useful and cool all that stuff was. Why should we expect really lost people to come to a church that offers them tools for a life they couldn't give a flying rats a.. about?

Don't get me wrong. People do come to the Lord. But most young people (over 90%) leave the church and their faith after going to college. Why?! It has nothing to do with their real life. Unlike Jesus, we are too afraid to party with the drunks (while not getting drunk of course ;-)), and too clean to kiss the dirty homeless kid on the cheek.

I know I'm setting a bar pretty high. Talking about social work and stuff. But Jesus describes social work as being the job of Christians not social workers! It's just our desire to be comfortable, which makes us feel good about having a strong social system (now I'm talking about Germany. A strong social system is something America doesn't even dream about). I think in this regard, American Christians have an enormous chance. In America there is real social poverty, things for Christians to do right outside the door of their homes. Germans have to actually sometimes walk, bike or car to the next neighborhood. It's a real hassle. Or maybe you'll even have to contact your local city youth league or something and actually get involved with something that isn't church founded or led. I know that's pretty scary, but whom are you serving? God? Or your Church? If it's your church then you probably tend to only do the things, which they already organized for you. Stop that! It's ridiculous! There are good thinking people in the world that already invented the tire. Don't go make a "Christian" one! Instead thank God, the creator of all humans, that he would give even pagans’ good ideas! After all, He lets the sun rise and fall on the good and the bad. He lets the rain come for those who believe and those who don't.

This opens a door for a whole world of new stuff. Think about it...You wouldn't need to learn how to "convert" anyone. You would just be challenged to get in the world, live in it, and challenge other people to think about their lives and their motives for living. Consequently like Jesus did.

For example you could get into a good conversation with the guy who made the tire (see above example). You could let him know how incredible the idea is. Then you could ask him if he saw a correlation in his tire making to the creator aspects of a loving God, who also created him. If he said no, it wouldn't matter. You could go on to tell him the story of how you see similarities between himself and the God who you met who also created you. You could have the freedom to talk with him without a tract in the hand. Just be yourself and let the overflow of your heart speak. You wouldn't have to worry about inviting him to a church, which coincidently, has nothing to do with his present life. Instead the church would already be where the tire-guy is.

A professor of mine, and many others before and after him, have tried to teach the masses how important it is to live mindfully in the presence of God at all times, to see God in the ordinary. To create sacred place there where you are.

Take off your shoes! You're standing on Holy Ground...

church

2006-06-28T13:14:00.000+02:00

Everyone's talking about church. I'm thinking about church a lot too. My generation and those coming after me find themselves in a black hole of sorts when it comes to church. They really don't know where they fit in. We're just sure that we don't fit in where we're at. (I know...there are exceptions).

Myself and some other young pastors over here are thinking about starting something new. Something Emergent Church style. A church that everyone can associate with but no one can really describe. Something I've been thinking a lot about over the last 3-4 years.

In this vein I'm thinking of giving up my studies. I've had a small feeling ever since I started studying again that I was really only doing it, because I wanted to be comfortable. I've felt guilty about it almost everyday since. I really enjoy what I'm studying but I feel a calling in my heart to launch full into the work that I'm currently only doing half-time. I want to make myself available, to show people that this work, this new idea of church, is something to take seriously. God is moving here. We don't know what He's doing. But He's at work.

Shout out to God for us as I will be making some serious decisions in the next couple days.

Sometimes by step...

2006-02-02T23:13:00.000+01:00

Currently Reading:
Einführung in das Geschichtsstudium
by Stefan Jordan

Sometimes it has to be enough to wander in the dark. Don't ask me why. God does not always let us in on his major plan with our lives. And often the darkness we see around us, is only due to our misconception of what God is.

I don't always see God in my life, and yet I have to be honest and say I experience Him everywhere. There are many things, which we believe that are paradox. Many things we don't have answers to. One could ask the question: why put your faith in something you know you can't get an answer from? There are many things, which will be forever unanswerable. I'm content to let these things go unanswered, in exchange for the truth. Truth, no matter how small (even if it doesn't answer all questions), is more valuable to me than having all my most pressing questions answered.

On the other hand, there are questions that must be answered. I spend my life searching for the answers to them.

I'm joyful to see God at work in the lives of the young people at my church. It's an amazing thing to be the constant observer of a work so great, not even Christ Himself knows when it will be complete. That just kicks my can! Awesome. If Christ has to live by faith, why should I be any different? Mind you. I'm not speaking of turning off the brain and walking into walls. That's why I study history. Not satisfied with all the answers for things I've been given. I want to trust, however, beyond that which I can see.

Made it Home

2006-01-31T21:33:00.000+01:00

Well I walked the green mile and I lived to tell about it. Now I just have to wait and see what I get for a grade.
Really trusting God's grace in this time. There's so much going on. I don't have time to be all the places I really need to be. Doing all the things I really need to do. It's good though. I see that even the littlest of responsibilities are held in God's hand and his supreme will.

I am realizing how unrealistic I actually am often. I define what I can and cannot do by what I see. Happy for the time I'm not living, where I can't see much of anything! Truly a blessing.

English Test

2006-01-31T17:29:00.000+01:00

I feel like I'm waiting for my execution. Sitting in the University library a half hour before my first big test. It's an English test. One might think I would be able to handle it, no prob. It's a linguistic and English teaching methods test. I didn't grow up understanding complicated syntax structures and how best to teach someone how to speak English. So I've had to learn as much as my fellow German classmates. It's also my first test at a German University. Not sure what is awaiting me. Everyone says it's going to be fine. I don't know if this is just positive talk or if it's really going to be a piece of cake.

The sun is setting. A beautiful array of colors painted across the death-cold January sky, contributing quite well to my association with execution.

Well, I need to be off. Find my seat and all. I'll write again tonight and let you know how it went. Don't worry. I'm making it much more dramatic than it is.

And, I was thinking about my post from last night. If someone were to read it, who has no interest in God or loyalty to him, it wouldn't make much since. So I would like to respond to this point of view. I'll be posting a more thorough response, the moment I get a chance.

Ethics

2006-01-30T20:57:00.000+01:00

Currently Reading: Success in English Teaching by Davies and Pearse

Challenged today in Ethics, to think about what is specifically "Christian" in a biblical ethic. I've been thinking about this question all semester. Trying to look at it from different aspects. Came to the conclusion that if there is nothing exclusively Christian to my ethic, it's just another world view.

Was reading a blog from a friend of mine http://www.xanga.com/germanpancake , he brings up a good point regarding the fear of God. Some people criticize for using the word fear in connection with an all-loving God. To be honest, I think our generation could stand to be scared shitless. I'm not talking about terror. I'm talking about a supernatural instilled fear of the almighty. You know you're in a western country, whenever you can actually ask the question at a place of higher education: "Is there anything specifically Christian to the Christian Ethic?"

Truly, it is a good thought-tickler. But I'm done laughing. The shift of focus of the Church at large, to the more compassionate and fatherly aspects of God, were never meant to replace the almighty, holy, righteous, just and down right scary attributes of God.

If we are to appreciate, or even be motivated to give the love we have received, we must understand what we have rightfully earned. In the presence of that knowledge we need to tremble. Our heart will lead us down many a misguided path, if we're not trembling and serving. A healthy fear of God comes from recognizing His sovereignty, in the face of considering ones’ salvation. It is His gracious invitation to come, and your desperate yearning to belong to Him, which make you fear Him. If you don’t really want Him than leave it. Believing in God is not a hobby and we really don’t need any more benchwarmers in our already cozy god-loves-you, god-loves-me churches.

God is 100% gracious. But he’s not a pushover. That's the basis for a Christian Ethic: God and His sovereign will (not yours) in your life.

Relax

2006-01-29T16:18:00.000+01:00

Currently Reading:

I'm having those feelings one has whenever they've been sitting too long reading and looking at a computer screen. Suddenly, I begin longing for vacation. To sit down with good historical fiction in my hand and just let my fantasy be taken to another time and place. Things for which I never had time, before starting to study, I find myself making time for. I know I have a lot I still need to get done, but I'm just not interested now. I'd like to have a week off, or a month.

On the other hand, paradoxically I am really enjoying what I'm learning. It's all fascinating stuff. (For me at least). I think I'm going about the whole thing a lot better this time than when I was at Warner. I realize there's a lot to do in life and I'm trying to take studies a little less seriously than I used to. It's important to get the most out of the time, but not at the sacrificing of the most important things.

As I say this, my wife is sitting with her parents sipping tea and the lame duck husband is reading English teaching theory books. I guess that's it. That's why I named the site "fire and ice". There's a balance to life. As much as I'd like to be everywhere, doing everything I always said I would, I can't.

Seeing God today as the wonderful purifier. Heard a good sermon and some wonderful comments from people, about what God's doing in their lives. It's good to hear of the sweet oil of the Spirit in the lives of friends and family. It soothes my soul.

Now I'm the one

2006-01-25T17:22:00.000+01:00

It’s so easy to criticize. Now I’m the one sitting here wishing someone would say something encouraging to me. Feel myself overwhelmed by the load of work in front of me. Tests starting next week and I’m very far behind. I don’t like being in the position of failing. But then who does? I thought I was doing something good by taking so many classes. Trying to get as much out of the way as possible before the baby comes. Now I think it would have been better to take it slower. I guess I still learn the hard way.
This realization though is in itself very encouraging. I see that I’m being brought to look at the way I structure my life, and change it. I cannot continue throwing my life away with needless hours of work and no play as I used to do. I have many other responsibilities now that need to be considered as well.

Here I am sitting in my cubbyhole, and I’m experiencing the cosmic force of God moving through my life and effecting change. It’s revolutionary to my soul! I think I might possibly fail some of my exams and have to repeat a bunch of courses. I may even continue to press all this information over the next few days into my head and not succeed. I’m not awaiting a miracle on test day. I’m awaiting something much deeper. And I think I’m in the process of receiving it. I’m awaiting a new way to think altogether.

I want to be changed. Not what I do, but how and why I do it. And I want this change to be complete, perfect and constantly on the move. I want to be changed and I feel I already have been. To realize the change, is to cross the threshold into the becoming that can never end.

Want to refer of myself from now on, not as in the process of change, but of “becoming”. It may sound like splitting hairs but I think, if you take the word “change” to its natural conclusion it makes since. Change is an action that has a beginning and an ending. “Becoming” on the other hand, is a process with no defined end. It has it’s beginning in the “change”, but it’s end is indefinite.

Are you becoming? Or are you always changing? I think we prefer the “change” because as long as we’re changing we have an excuse to never “become” anything.

I’m becoming!

Blogs

2006-01-24T22:28:00.000+01:00

Sometimes you gotta ask yourself the question: What's with all the blogs? I often find myself trying to read each blog from all my friends. While doing it I see blogs from friends of my friends and think I need to read theirs as well. It's madening. I think that's one of the reasons I have only told one person so far my actual blog address. Not sure if I really want to either. I wonder how long it will take before anyone sees this blog.
What's the point really of having a blog?
Spoke with this guy I met at University. I told him, I think it goes hand in hand with the idea of finding a forum to present oneself. To be personal, deep, open and intimate. To leave superficiality and embrace honesty. He looked at me and said: "I don't like all that. It's too personal for me. I just want my friends to be able to keep up with what I'm doing and me with them."
I found this to be really honest and it made me think about my motivation for having a blog.
I'm searching for something. Sometimes I make this search too serious. I'm not trying to get people to come with me. For me writting is a way of searching. To know that it's all being recorded is somehow interesting. It gives me a goal. Makes me stay focused. I know that someone, someday, might have a look at this. Or maybe I will look back on all I've written. Will I have made progress. Will it be aparent to what goal I was headed?
Or will I be another overly serious blog, with no relevance to life whatsoever?
I think my problem is that I cant stand pure entertainment. I want to be someone who thinks. Someone who doesn't get themselves tied up in thought-circles.
I don't want to make pain and dissapointment into a bigger deal than they are. And I don't want to confuse good times and success for some devine blessing.
I am a man. Lavished with something I could not earn, that I might gain what I can never lose. And that is just kicken!

Between Times

2006-01-23T04:46:00.000+01:00

Feeling "in between". Experiencing wonderful changes in family life and my personal heart story. Feel my heart becoming stronger. I do hope this is a time leading to a time after times. Not the kind of change that leaves one stranded, orientationless and alone. Even if it is... Truth is, I am aging. Time can only serve to bring me further to my goal. The question is: am I patient enough? And do I want it enough?
Knowing the goal is what keeps us from getting lost in whatever "everyone else" is doing. I think I am posting here, in order to remind myself of where I'm going. To keep my thoughts moving forward. If I stand still for too long I inevitably regress. It has nothing to do with an actual cessation of forward movement, but rather that everything around me continues moving on, whether I want it to or not. If I am not making progress toward my goal, the logical conclusion is a moving away from my goal.
Goals are elusive in character. They want to be caught but at no small price.
Here I stand between times. I am at a point where I can make a monumental change of direction. To turn more radically toward my goal, or walk away from it, letting it elude me...
That I certainly don't want. Well then...on we go. Run like the wind my goal. I've been chasing you this long. Lead on! I will chase you some more.

The First

2006-01-07T19:08:00.000+01:00

It's not about talking because you like to talk. It's about sharing your inner most soul with whoever wants to read. We don't have this kind of interaction anymore. This kind of soul searching. We spend our time in fast-paced conversations of necessity. I need to slow down and think...
That's what my Blog is all about. Slowing down to think. If what you read is interesting, read on. If not...Don't waist your time. You don't have enough to waist. Make your own Blog and take time to think...