Nice to be getting back...

I feel like the last couple years have been a long sojourn. Having been planted into a new culture and everything questioned, which I had ever believed to be true, was a good thing but a very trying time.

It was strange to be at a bible school where the students have a different perspective on God than what you ever thought existed. It's strange to be in a small-group with people who don't even half-way hold the same views that you do.

I don't want to say that God is a totally different God over here. What I mean is that I had to get to know God all over again... I think I just really had to get to know God. It took about 6 years to begin knowing God again and even now, I "know" I'm only at the beginning. Many things I always believed to be true, things I even though I had to discard here in Germany in order to be “relevant”, I am learning to pick back up and claim as truths for my own life.

Often I've felt very alone and misunderstood. It's perhaps odd to some. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and family here; there are certain things though, certain ways of communicating the deepness of the faith, which have been lost to me ever since I got here. This is normal and definitely a common experience of all missionaries. The only thing with me is... I'm not sure if I am a missionary, at least not in the classical since. I may be from another culture, but I have chosen to make the German culture my own. I married my Kristine and received the most perfect woman in the entire world for me. The Lord called me to Germany and placed my wife at my side to tutor, to teach, to give a look behind the curtain of being German. Although this has been very valuable to me over the last seven years, I still remain impeded in my spiritual interaction with others. (And I often through Kristine’s advice to the cats. Sorry sweetie).

It's strange how deeply one's mother tongue speaks to the heart in ways a second language never will. I pray that God would release me from this dependence upon the English language, but the longer I'm here the more I realize just how dependent upon this language I still am.

Recently I began searching the web for English sermons. I wanted to hear the language, to let the word of God pierce my heart like it once did. I found the website of the church where I grew up, and where I still feel attached to as my "home-church” although I have no home (four walls) there. I started downloading sermons from Scott Reavely (the senior pastor) and at once I felt like I was at home, in the pew (if there are even pews anymore). It was a sweet balm for my soul! And don't worry; Rev. Reav is not your "feel good" preacher. He's preaching stuff that you've really got to chew on. My heart said: "This is the good stuff that you need to be thinking about. Take hold of this and internalize it. Let God be alive in you for a German Church".

I don't necessarily see myself coming back to the states. Just realizing that if I am going to be any good as a pastor in Germany, I need to give up my idea that I have to be German. I am American with all the bad and the good sides. My past is not all bad. The teachings of the scripture and the godly life that I learned as a child are costly above all else. I truly grew-up in a bath of godly wisdom. On the other hand, my past is filled with pride in my ability to be the center of attention. The one who can bring a crowd to laughter and console those in need, to think up and say profound things.

I sat in an elders and deacons meeting today and found myself searching for the right words to explain a certain issue. I had to ask for help twice, even though I really don't have a problem using the German language. I can actually speak it quite well. Nevertheless, the Lord uses it daily to show me how much I think of myself above Him. How much I count on my ability to explain an issue, or bring a convincing argument, over His ability to speak with His Spirit words of truth.

I'm learning a lot...but learning isn't fun. Was really encouraged to stay the course the last couple days. All because of some blessed sermons from the place where the shadow of my home rests.