Der Dank geht voran

So viel verändert sich in meinem Leben zur Zeit. Ich kann es nicht wirklich erklären. Es sind nicht Dinge sichtbarer Natur, sondern tiefer, prägender.

Meine ganze Sicht der Dinge verändert sich. Ich merke wie der Heilige Geist alles in meinem Leben auf dem Kopf stellt. Manchmal möchte ich weinen. Manchmal lache ich. Etwas das ich erst seit einigen Wochen, allein vor dem Herrn, wieder erlebe. Seit längere Zeit, ist diese Erfahrung mir fremd geworden.

Ich fühle mich geborgen in Gottes Hand. Die Zukunft steht offen und ich lausche die Worte aus seinem Mund. Sie gehen mir direkt ins Herz. Sie "revolutionieren" mich. 

Ich bin neu! 

Ich will danken, denn der Herr ist gütig und voller Treue. Ich will ihm lobsingen mein Leben lang.

Changing a heart

It's a slow process, changing a heart like mine. Nevertheless, I become ever more aware how God is changing me. I said in my last entry that, "thankfulness" was going to be my topic for the next season. I'm not sure how long this "season" is going to last. I'm also not interested in getting it over with as quickly as possible. The fruit of being thankful is self evident. Why would I ever want to hurry this along? 

The hardest part for me is to discover thankfulness in areas of my life, where I could only feel bitterness before. Areas where I totally felt abandoned by God. Upon speaking with God about these feelings of abandonment, I found him to be more than comforting. It's strange, but I've recently been realizing that I've only been coming to God with things that I think he wants to hear from me. I would try and force myself to love him more than I do. Force myself to praise him more than I want to. After approaching him about my double sided heart and telling him what I really felt, I was quickly touched and wooed into a deeper intimacy with him.

Truly God is great and doesn't leave us alone in our need. It is my mistake, getting so caught up in my own correct piety, which keeps me from intimacy with the God who requires candor and not self-chastisement. At times, the mercy of God is so tangible, I feel carried by a cloud. But the times of loneliness and the moments of temptation, which tease me to stray from simple mindedness, funny as it were, are the times and places in which the Lord is most real to me. It didn't use to be that way. But in the last days, while keeping thankfulness in my mind, I have been encouraged and taught in this regard. 

Thankfulness bears fruit

Trying to remind myself of the words of Psalm 50 and the like. To be thankful is to understand the mysteries of God. Or perhaps better said: if I'm not thankful, I close my own heart to God being able to reveal the mysteries of his heart to me.

My problem is truly, that my day to day, is so full of things that keep me from consciously being aware of God. Sure, God is everywhere and moving in all situations. Of that I'm sure. But when my little, Jamie is constantly disobeying or demanding my attention, or on the verge of killing himself, I'm only thinking about tending to him. By the time the day is through, I can't think of anything anymore. Just want to get into bed and read a paragraph, before falling asleep.

So, how do I develop a deeper awareness of God, and a thankfulness to him, for His leading in my life? I'm trying to get away from making this to such a distracting task, that I'm unable to enjoy the mundane anymore. With that I mean: I don't want to be so consumed with pursuing a thankful life, that I forget to just be with my boy. I don't even see that as being a danger with me. On the contrary, I have no problem whatsoever, just being mundane. But then I realize, there is a depth to my spiritual walk, which is missing. Ergo my desire to discover a life of thankfulness. Among other things. For this season it's thankfulness. Maybe I'll let you in on what the next season brings. But before the next season can come, the winds of thankfulness must blow.