Now I'm the one

It’s so easy to criticize. Now I’m the one sitting here wishing someone would say something encouraging to me. Feel myself overwhelmed by the load of work in front of me. Tests starting next week and I’m very far behind. I don’t like being in the position of failing. But then who does? I thought I was doing something good by taking so many classes. Trying to get as much out of the way as possible before the baby comes. Now I think it would have been better to take it slower. I guess I still learn the hard way.
This realization though is in itself very encouraging. I see that I’m being brought to look at the way I structure my life, and change it. I cannot continue throwing my life away with needless hours of work and no play as I used to do. I have many other responsibilities now that need to be considered as well.

Here I am sitting in my cubbyhole, and I’m experiencing the cosmic force of God moving through my life and effecting change. It’s revolutionary to my soul! I think I might possibly fail some of my exams and have to repeat a bunch of courses. I may even continue to press all this information over the next few days into my head and not succeed. I’m not awaiting a miracle on test day. I’m awaiting something much deeper. And I think I’m in the process of receiving it. I’m awaiting a new way to think altogether.

I want to be changed. Not what I do, but how and why I do it. And I want this change to be complete, perfect and constantly on the move. I want to be changed and I feel I already have been. To realize the change, is to cross the threshold into the becoming that can never end.

Want to refer of myself from now on, not as in the process of change, but of “becoming”. It may sound like splitting hairs but I think, if you take the word “change” to its natural conclusion it makes since. Change is an action that has a beginning and an ending. “Becoming” on the other hand, is a process with no defined end. It has it’s beginning in the “change”, but it’s end is indefinite.

Are you becoming? Or are you always changing? I think we prefer the “change” because as long as we’re changing we have an excuse to never “become” anything.

I’m becoming!