Nice to be getting back...

I feel like the last couple years have been a long sojourn. Having been planted into a new culture and everything questioned, which I had ever believed to be true, was a good thing but a very trying time.

It was strange to be at a bible school where the students have a different perspective on God than what you ever thought existed. It's strange to be in a small-group with people who don't even half-way hold the same views that you do.

I don't want to say that God is a totally different God over here. What I mean is that I had to get to know God all over again... I think I just really had to get to know God. It took about 6 years to begin knowing God again and even now, I "know" I'm only at the beginning. Many things I always believed to be true, things I even though I had to discard here in Germany in order to be “relevant”, I am learning to pick back up and claim as truths for my own life.

Often I've felt very alone and misunderstood. It's perhaps odd to some. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and family here; there are certain things though, certain ways of communicating the deepness of the faith, which have been lost to me ever since I got here. This is normal and definitely a common experience of all missionaries. The only thing with me is... I'm not sure if I am a missionary, at least not in the classical since. I may be from another culture, but I have chosen to make the German culture my own. I married my Kristine and received the most perfect woman in the entire world for me. The Lord called me to Germany and placed my wife at my side to tutor, to teach, to give a look behind the curtain of being German. Although this has been very valuable to me over the last seven years, I still remain impeded in my spiritual interaction with others. (And I often through Kristine’s advice to the cats. Sorry sweetie).

It's strange how deeply one's mother tongue speaks to the heart in ways a second language never will. I pray that God would release me from this dependence upon the English language, but the longer I'm here the more I realize just how dependent upon this language I still am.

Recently I began searching the web for English sermons. I wanted to hear the language, to let the word of God pierce my heart like it once did. I found the website of the church where I grew up, and where I still feel attached to as my "home-church” although I have no home (four walls) there. I started downloading sermons from Scott Reavely (the senior pastor) and at once I felt like I was at home, in the pew (if there are even pews anymore). It was a sweet balm for my soul! And don't worry; Rev. Reav is not your "feel good" preacher. He's preaching stuff that you've really got to chew on. My heart said: "This is the good stuff that you need to be thinking about. Take hold of this and internalize it. Let God be alive in you for a German Church".

I don't necessarily see myself coming back to the states. Just realizing that if I am going to be any good as a pastor in Germany, I need to give up my idea that I have to be German. I am American with all the bad and the good sides. My past is not all bad. The teachings of the scripture and the godly life that I learned as a child are costly above all else. I truly grew-up in a bath of godly wisdom. On the other hand, my past is filled with pride in my ability to be the center of attention. The one who can bring a crowd to laughter and console those in need, to think up and say profound things.

I sat in an elders and deacons meeting today and found myself searching for the right words to explain a certain issue. I had to ask for help twice, even though I really don't have a problem using the German language. I can actually speak it quite well. Nevertheless, the Lord uses it daily to show me how much I think of myself above Him. How much I count on my ability to explain an issue, or bring a convincing argument, over His ability to speak with His Spirit words of truth.

I'm learning a lot...but learning isn't fun. Was really encouraged to stay the course the last couple days. All because of some blessed sermons from the place where the shadow of my home rests.

Heart is full

Learning a lot about church and God's vision for the church. In the last months I've been fighting with the prospect of perhaps being in the wrong place. Or at least that my time here at the church I'm at, could possibly be over.

Have you ever spent a period of time praying for something, pleading God to reveal Himself and His will into your life and present situation? After doing so, have you ever received an answer, which you meant to be the will of God? Maybe it was even a vision, or a coincidence that was so right on that it could no longer be a coincidence? That's what happened to me recently. I really believed to have received a word from God, telling me to pack out things and leave the church. I was so sure that I even quit the job at the church I had. After quitting, the elders and I agreed to give the final decision another week and a half in order to pray together and seek the will of God in the matter. I wasn't expecting this response from them. I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed meeting with a couple of the elders of the last week, to repent of sins together, pray together and forgive one another. I saw the Holy Spirit moving in such incredible ways in their lives, as well as in our relationships. By the end of the week and a half, I realized that this group of elders is exactly the kind of men and women I am looking for to lead a church with. Men and women who are prepared to count on the grace and forgiveness of the pure blood of Christ to carry them through thick and then. In the end, it all boiled down to an inability to communicate freely to each other. Wow! To think: we were on the verge of walking away from a beautiful story, a story where God's bride is made ready for her wedding day, all because of a lack of communication. Not a lack of spiritual maturity, or a lack of God being able to lead this church down the right path. No...nothing more than poor communication. (For all the people who don't know why they're talking basic communication techniques in college).

I’m learning a lot about love and the church through this whole process. And somehow the whole post-modern emergent church discussion became meaningless the moment I was sitting on the couch with the oldest Elder of our church, Eduard Baumgärtner. As we spoke and repented the sins of our heart toward each other, and we both became emotional, I began to think: this is as post-modern as it gets.

If you want to be emergent or post-modern in your faith…find the oldest person of your church, look them in the eye and say…”I love you and I want to get to know who you are, what made you become a Disciple of Christ? What made you stick it out? What do you think of the church today? How can I serve you in my youth? How can I let you know that despite our differences in age, that I want to be your strength in this race, which we are running together.”

That should just about qualify to open your heart to the wildest ride you will ever begin. From that moment on, it will never end.

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. I can do everything but not everything serves good. (1.Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23) I have to think about what I can do in order to serve not only the youth but the old as well. If I’m not, I’m just doing what is permissible (no one is going to lock me up for it), but long term it’s not going to be beneficial for anyone.

Youth Work is wonderful. It needs to be done. However, only as another integrated part of the Church as a whole, encompassing all age groups. Whenever a generation separates itself from the congregation at large it becomes orphaned. God gave us the elderly to learn from. Of course they are going to make mistakes and have fears that may lead us away from the course God wants us to be on. But the young often dive too quickly into situations before counting the costs. The elderly are brittle and brake easily. The young are inexperienced and easily led astray. We all have our problems, which lead us away from God’s plan with our lives. Together, we can extol each other to the way of Faith, Hope and Love, to walk with Christ on His path of Wisdom and keep each other from swaying to the right or the left.

In the last week and a half I have seen all this. In the last week, each generation was there in order to serve the other. The old challenged the young to rethink their inconsistency. The young challenged the old to brake free from their traditions. And those in between called for justice and righteousness.

I stand amazed and the beauty of God’s church. At first glance she’s really kind of plain. Nothing spectacular about her. The sick, the hungry, the tired, the poor, the needy, the homeless, the helpless and even those who know their sinners come and meet there where she (the church) is. The interesting thing is that I have seen God change these people into new people that seek a passion for His thing in their lives. But these people need strong leadership that isn’t going to back down, while they’re on the road to becoming new.

I wasn’t expecting it, and until a week and a half ago I never really thought it would be possible, but I see now that the leadership of this church is the kind of leadership, which is prepared to stay the course God has set out for her, to make the Bride ready for the great feast. I have been watching the elders of the last few months and I see now what before I could not. The Holy Spirit has been working a change in their lives that can only be explainable by His power.

I give thanks to the God of Glory, awesome in Grace and compassionate in Love, who works our means to meet His ends. His is Good and unreckonable. With that I mean He’s always about doing His thing. Even when you’re in a land, where you swear His thing can’t be done.

I know…you’ve all read it before. I just had to write it, because I lived it.

Dependence

I realize more and more how utterly helpless and dependant I am on God for absolutely everything in my life. Especially now that I look into Jamie's eyes and realize how many things I could do wrong. How many things I could want to do right and fail miserably.

For me it's the most comforting and soothing thing to have my soul ministered to by the very God who created me. To open my soul and let the Savior of the World dissect me, lay me open; to lay there open and vulnerable before Him for a time and know you've been "found out"; and then to take part in the heeling of His heeling hand. The hand that moves with precision, mending all you've laid before Him.

And then I get up. Feeling strong and made right. Not that I have done everything right or that I will ever do everything right. No, not that at all. It's just a complete knowing that I have been made right. Not because of my good decisions and clever calculation, but simply because the Messiah wanted to make something "right" out of something so "wrong".

He is great. I am small.

It's About being ONE

www.one.org is an organization committed to making poverty history. It’s not as much about raising money for Africa, as it is about raising awareness in the “free-world”: awareness about poverty in one of the largest continents on the planet. The idea is: to use our capitalism, our wealth, our idea of life, to change something for the better in a land long ago written off as the biggest waist of time the western world could ever get it’s hands on, both financially and sociologically.

It’s irresponsible, if we as humans disregard our brothers and sisters, creations of the same creator who created us. Africa is one country. One might say that we have enough homeless in our own land. Why should we be thinking about awareness of poverty in a country, which has nothing to do with us? To him who has been given much, much is required, said Jesus. We need to look after our own. That’s correct. But we are required to help others out of our own wealth. We will in no way be harming our own efforts to get down and dirty, with the poverty stricken of our own country, by engaging in the war on poverty in another land.

Don’t be blind to your responsibility. This isn’t about actionism. It’s about justice. Who is going to bring justice to your neighbor on food stamps and who is going to bring justice for the needy in Africa? It’s about being the hands and the feet of the savior of the world. We are here, endowed with His Spirit to do things, which only his Spirit could do.

It’s time to take this world for Elohim. He has given us the power. Why let it go to waist? Check out www.one.org it’s a cool thing. It wont bring money to Africa, but it might wake up your complacent heart.

By the way: I know it's idealistic, but even Jesus had an idealogy. Those are the things worth living and dying for.

Church is church. God is ELOHIM

I need to go to bed. But I wanted to dust off an age-old thought before I do. What if church were no longer dependent on a building? What if we as Christians saw our place of meeting and communing with other Christians as not having to take place inside an establishment but rather right in the world where the people really need to see it?

And then take it a step further. What if our church services consisted of real "service" to a dying world. What if we met Sunday mornings at 9am (or Saturday night at 10pm, it really doesn't matter), in some café, listened to somebody preach out of the word and then together go and practice what we just heard preached.

Of course this kind of "church" would be impossible in large congregations unless the split up into smaller groups in order to do their Sunday "service". Each group could have a goal that was important to them. Have a project, which the felt God was leading them to.

Perhaps it would be necessary to come together once a month for fellowship in a big group, to share experiences and encourage one another. And to make sure that these big fellowship meetings, were not just a time to consume burgers and fatty chicken, the church would need a pastor to facilitate spiritual conversation. Not that he would run around and make sure everyone was talking spiritual stuff, but that the people would at least be clear about why they were there; to encourage each other in their individual ministries and gain insight into the larger picture of God's marvelous work among them. If these big meetings never happened, the small groups would run the danger of taking themselves too seriously and then getting all pissed off at each other, because that's just what people do if you leave them long enough in a group alone together.

What if church could look something like this? I know some people are doing just that. I'm just wondering why everybody's not doing it! Currently most churchgoers attend something called a church "service" every Sunday. I believe the term Church Service gives itself away. We should actually be serving God, but truly we are serving our church, which has, if we are honest with ourselves, become more important than God's service. God Service looks more like street work, giving hope to the hopeless and all those other good sounding euphoric things. It's even worse in Germany. In Germany they already say "Gottesdienst" or God Service, but we have come to serve the church instead of God. Wrap your brain around that one if you can.

The Church is the bride, the body of Christ and is not to be seen as an end in itself, but rather a means to a deeper understanding of the indwelling Spirit of God in People, Society and the world. I think if we are really going to transport this message to the unbelieving we need to be where they are as Jesus was. I never liked going to places like Home Depot until I had a home and realized how useful and cool all that stuff was. Why should we expect really lost people to come to a church that offers them tools for a life they couldn't give a flying rats a.. about?

Don't get me wrong. People do come to the Lord. But most young people (over 90%) leave the church and their faith after going to college. Why?! It has nothing to do with their real life. Unlike Jesus, we are too afraid to party with the drunks (while not getting drunk of course ;-)), and too clean to kiss the dirty homeless kid on the cheek.

I know I'm setting a bar pretty high. Talking about social work and stuff. But Jesus describes social work as being the job of Christians not social workers! It's just our desire to be comfortable, which makes us feel good about having a strong social system (now I'm talking about Germany. A strong social system is something America doesn't even dream about). I think in this regard, American Christians have an enormous chance. In America there is real social poverty, things for Christians to do right outside the door of their homes. Germans have to actually sometimes walk, bike or car to the next neighborhood. It's a real hassle. Or maybe you'll even have to contact your local city youth league or something and actually get involved with something that isn't church founded or led. I know that's pretty scary, but whom are you serving? God? Or your Church? If it's your church then you probably tend to only do the things, which they already organized for you. Stop that! It's ridiculous! There are good thinking people in the world that already invented the tire. Don't go make a "Christian" one! Instead thank God, the creator of all humans, that he would give even pagans’ good ideas! After all, He lets the sun rise and fall on the good and the bad. He lets the rain come for those who believe and those who don't.

This opens a door for a whole world of new stuff. Think about it...You wouldn't need to learn how to "convert" anyone. You would just be challenged to get in the world, live in it, and challenge other people to think about their lives and their motives for living. Consequently like Jesus did.

For example you could get into a good conversation with the guy who made the tire (see above example). You could let him know how incredible the idea is. Then you could ask him if he saw a correlation in his tire making to the creator aspects of a loving God, who also created him. If he said no, it wouldn't matter. You could go on to tell him the story of how you see similarities between himself and the God who you met who also created you. You could have the freedom to talk with him without a tract in the hand. Just be yourself and let the overflow of your heart speak. You wouldn't have to worry about inviting him to a church, which coincidently, has nothing to do with his present life. Instead the church would already be where the tire-guy is.

A professor of mine, and many others before and after him, have tried to teach the masses how important it is to live mindfully in the presence of God at all times, to see God in the ordinary. To create sacred place there where you are.

Take off your shoes! You're standing on Holy Ground...

church

Everyone's talking about church. I'm thinking about church a lot too. My generation and those coming after me find themselves in a black hole of sorts when it comes to church. They really don't know where they fit in. We're just sure that we don't fit in where we're at. (I know...there are exceptions).

Myself and some other young pastors over here are thinking about starting something new. Something Emergent Church style. A church that everyone can associate with but no one can really describe. Something I've been thinking a lot about over the last 3-4 years.

In this vein I'm thinking of giving up my studies. I've had a small feeling ever since I started studying again that I was really only doing it, because I wanted to be comfortable. I've felt guilty about it almost everyday since. I really enjoy what I'm studying but I feel a calling in my heart to launch full into the work that I'm currently only doing half-time. I want to make myself available, to show people that this work, this new idea of church, is something to take seriously. God is moving here. We don't know what He's doing. But He's at work.

Shout out to God for us as I will be making some serious decisions in the next couple days.

Sometimes by step...

Currently Reading:
Einführung in das Geschichtsstudium
by Stefan Jordan


Sometimes it has to be enough to wander in the dark. Don't ask me why. God does not always let us in on his major plan with our lives. And often the darkness we see around us, is only due to our misconception of what God is.

I don't always see God in my life, and yet I have to be honest and say I experience Him everywhere. There are many things, which we believe that are paradox. Many things we don't have answers to. One could ask the question: why put your faith in something you know you can't get an answer from? There are many things, which will be forever unanswerable. I'm content to let these things go unanswered, in exchange for the truth. Truth, no matter how small (even if it doesn't answer all questions), is more valuable to me than having all my most pressing questions answered.

On the other hand, there are questions that must be answered. I spend my life searching for the answers to them.

I'm joyful to see God at work in the lives of the young people at my church. It's an amazing thing to be the constant observer of a work so great, not even Christ Himself knows when it will be complete. That just kicks my can! Awesome. If Christ has to live by faith, why should I be any different? Mind you. I'm not speaking of turning off the brain and walking into walls. That's why I study history. Not satisfied with all the answers for things I've been given. I want to trust, however, beyond that which I can see.

Made it Home

Well I walked the green mile and I lived to tell about it. Now I just have to wait and see what I get for a grade.
Really trusting God's grace in this time. There's so much going on. I don't have time to be all the places I really need to be. Doing all the things I really need to do. It's good though. I see that even the littlest of responsibilities are held in God's hand and his supreme will.

I am realizing how unrealistic I actually am often. I define what I can and cannot do by what I see. Happy for the time I'm not living, where I can't see much of anything! Truly a blessing.

English Test

I feel like I'm waiting for my execution. Sitting in the University library a half hour before my first big test. It's an English test. One might think I would be able to handle it, no prob. It's a linguistic and English teaching methods test. I didn't grow up understanding complicated syntax structures and how best to teach someone how to speak English. So I've had to learn as much as my fellow German classmates. It's also my first test at a German University. Not sure what is awaiting me. Everyone says it's going to be fine. I don't know if this is just positive talk or if it's really going to be a piece of cake.

The sun is setting. A beautiful array of colors painted across the death-cold January sky, contributing quite well to my association with execution.

Well, I need to be off. Find my seat and all. I'll write again tonight and let you know how it went. Don't worry. I'm making it much more dramatic than it is.

And, I was thinking about my post from last night. If someone were to read it, who has no interest in God or loyalty to him, it wouldn't make much since. So I would like to respond to this point of view. I'll be posting a more thorough response, the moment I get a chance.

Ethics

Currently Reading: Success in English Teaching by Davies and Pearse


Challenged today in Ethics, to think about what is specifically "Christian" in a biblical ethic. I've been thinking about this question all semester. Trying to look at it from different aspects. Came to the conclusion that if there is nothing exclusively Christian to my ethic, it's just another world view.

Was reading a blog from a friend of mine http://www.xanga.com/germanpancake , he brings up a good point regarding the fear of God. Some people criticize for using the word fear in connection with an all-loving God. To be honest, I think our generation could stand to be scared shitless. I'm not talking about terror. I'm talking about a supernatural instilled fear of the almighty. You know you're in a western country, whenever you can actually ask the question at a place of higher education: "Is there anything specifically Christian to the Christian Ethic?"

Truly, it is a good thought-tickler. But I'm done laughing. The shift of focus of the Church at large, to the more compassionate and fatherly aspects of God, were never meant to replace the almighty, holy, righteous, just and down right scary attributes of God.

If we are to appreciate, or even be motivated to give the love we have received, we must understand what we have rightfully earned. In the presence of that knowledge we need to tremble. Our heart will lead us down many a misguided path, if we're not trembling and serving. A healthy fear of God comes from recognizing His sovereignty, in the face of considering ones’ salvation. It is His gracious invitation to come, and your desperate yearning to belong to Him, which make you fear Him. If you don’t really want Him than leave it. Believing in God is not a hobby and we really don’t need any more benchwarmers in our already cozy god-loves-you, god-loves-me churches.

God is 100% gracious. But he’s not a pushover. That's the basis for a Christian Ethic: God and His sovereign will (not yours) in your life.

Relax

Currently Reading:


I'm having those feelings one has whenever they've been sitting too long reading and looking at a computer screen. Suddenly, I begin longing for vacation. To sit down with good historical fiction in my hand and just let my fantasy be taken to another time and place. Things for which I never had time, before starting to study, I find myself making time for. I know I have a lot I still need to get done, but I'm just not interested now. I'd like to have a week off, or a month.

On the other hand, paradoxically I am really enjoying what I'm learning. It's all fascinating stuff. (For me at least). I think I'm going about the whole thing a lot better this time than when I was at Warner. I realize there's a lot to do in life and I'm trying to take studies a little less seriously than I used to. It's important to get the most out of the time, but not at the sacrificing of the most important things.

As I say this, my wife is sitting with her parents sipping tea and the lame duck husband is reading English teaching theory books. I guess that's it. That's why I named the site "fire and ice". There's a balance to life. As much as I'd like to be everywhere, doing everything I always said I would, I can't.

Seeing God today as the wonderful purifier. Heard a good sermon and some wonderful comments from people, about what God's doing in their lives. It's good to hear of the sweet oil of the Spirit in the lives of friends and family. It soothes my soul.

Now I'm the one

It’s so easy to criticize. Now I’m the one sitting here wishing someone would say something encouraging to me. Feel myself overwhelmed by the load of work in front of me. Tests starting next week and I’m very far behind. I don’t like being in the position of failing. But then who does? I thought I was doing something good by taking so many classes. Trying to get as much out of the way as possible before the baby comes. Now I think it would have been better to take it slower. I guess I still learn the hard way.
This realization though is in itself very encouraging. I see that I’m being brought to look at the way I structure my life, and change it. I cannot continue throwing my life away with needless hours of work and no play as I used to do. I have many other responsibilities now that need to be considered as well.

Here I am sitting in my cubbyhole, and I’m experiencing the cosmic force of God moving through my life and effecting change. It’s revolutionary to my soul! I think I might possibly fail some of my exams and have to repeat a bunch of courses. I may even continue to press all this information over the next few days into my head and not succeed. I’m not awaiting a miracle on test day. I’m awaiting something much deeper. And I think I’m in the process of receiving it. I’m awaiting a new way to think altogether.

I want to be changed. Not what I do, but how and why I do it. And I want this change to be complete, perfect and constantly on the move. I want to be changed and I feel I already have been. To realize the change, is to cross the threshold into the becoming that can never end.

Want to refer of myself from now on, not as in the process of change, but of “becoming”. It may sound like splitting hairs but I think, if you take the word “change” to its natural conclusion it makes since. Change is an action that has a beginning and an ending. “Becoming” on the other hand, is a process with no defined end. It has it’s beginning in the “change”, but it’s end is indefinite.

Are you becoming? Or are you always changing? I think we prefer the “change” because as long as we’re changing we have an excuse to never “become” anything.

I’m becoming!

Blogs

Sometimes you gotta ask yourself the question: What's with all the blogs? I often find myself trying to read each blog from all my friends. While doing it I see blogs from friends of my friends and think I need to read theirs as well. It's madening. I think that's one of the reasons I have only told one person so far my actual blog address. Not sure if I really want to either. I wonder how long it will take before anyone sees this blog.
What's the point really of having a blog?
Spoke with this guy I met at University. I told him, I think it goes hand in hand with the idea of finding a forum to present oneself. To be personal, deep, open and intimate. To leave superficiality and embrace honesty. He looked at me and said: "I don't like all that. It's too personal for me. I just want my friends to be able to keep up with what I'm doing and me with them."
I found this to be really honest and it made me think about my motivation for having a blog.
I'm searching for something. Sometimes I make this search too serious. I'm not trying to get people to come with me. For me writting is a way of searching. To know that it's all being recorded is somehow interesting. It gives me a goal. Makes me stay focused. I know that someone, someday, might have a look at this. Or maybe I will look back on all I've written. Will I have made progress. Will it be aparent to what goal I was headed?
Or will I be another overly serious blog, with no relevance to life whatsoever?
I think my problem is that I cant stand pure entertainment. I want to be someone who thinks. Someone who doesn't get themselves tied up in thought-circles.
I don't want to make pain and dissapointment into a bigger deal than they are. And I don't want to confuse good times and success for some devine blessing.
I am a man. Lavished with something I could not earn, that I might gain what I can never lose. And that is just kicken!

Between Times

Feeling "in between". Experiencing wonderful changes in family life and my personal heart story. Feel my heart becoming stronger. I do hope this is a time leading to a time after times. Not the kind of change that leaves one stranded, orientationless and alone. Even if it is... Truth is, I am aging. Time can only serve to bring me further to my goal. The question is: am I patient enough? And do I want it enough?
Knowing the goal is what keeps us from getting lost in whatever "everyone else" is doing. I think I am posting here, in order to remind myself of where I'm going. To keep my thoughts moving forward. If I stand still for too long I inevitably regress. It has nothing to do with an actual cessation of forward movement, but rather that everything around me continues moving on, whether I want it to or not. If I am not making progress toward my goal, the logical conclusion is a moving away from my goal.
Goals are elusive in character. They want to be caught but at no small price.
Here I stand between times. I am at a point where I can make a monumental change of direction. To turn more radically toward my goal, or walk away from it, letting it elude me...
That I certainly don't want. Well then...on we go. Run like the wind my goal. I've been chasing you this long. Lead on! I will chase you some more.

The First

It's not about talking because you like to talk. It's about sharing your inner most soul with whoever wants to read. We don't have this kind of interaction anymore. This kind of soul searching. We spend our time in fast-paced conversations of necessity. I need to slow down and think...
That's what my Blog is all about. Slowing down to think. If what you read is interesting, read on. If not...Don't waist your time. You don't have enough to waist. Make your own Blog and take time to think...